Book Review: Interviewing Your Daughter’s Date by Dennis Rainey
Last month, Leanne and I attended a FamilyLife Weekend to Remember event in Hershey, PA. As you may recall from a few of my posts, this was a memorable and special weekend for us. While we were there, we picked up several books to help us in our marriage and in our parenting. One such resource was Interviewing Your Daughter’s Date (8 Steps To No Regrets) by FamilyLife co-founder and president Dennis Rainey.
Interviewing Your Daughter’s Date is a short book designed for father’s with daughters. In this book, Rainey offers his perspective on how to approach the whole dating thing with your daughter and her potential dates. Rainey recommends a process of interviewing each young man prior to permitting his daughter to go out with him. This may sound old-fashioned and intimidating, but I think that Rainey is on to something.
Not only does this method protect the daughter from guy’s who might not match up with the family expectations for moral perspective, work ethic, and boundaries, Rainey’s interviewing process provides an opportunity to shape the lives of young men. As part of the interview, Dennis Rainey asks each young man to use this method if and when their own daughter’s start to date.
Interviewing Your Daughter’s Date comes at a good time in my parenting path. My daughter, Hannah, hasn’t started dating yet; however, at age 14, the whole dating thing isn’t too far off. As a dad, I want to be prepared to protect my daughter and to help her find the right man. Rainey’s book definitely gives me a lot to think about as I prepare for this time in my parenting journey.
I would recommend Interviewing Your Daughter’s Date to any parent with daughters. You’ll find the book educational, encouraging, and thought-provoking.
When was your last interview?
Do you have any daughters? If so, how have you handled the dating process or how do you plan to handle the dating process?
Leap of Faith Continued (The Decision)
So I kind of left you hanging yesterday when I shared about my “big decision” and about my wrestling matching between my fears and my leap of faith. I wanted to share today about my decision.
After a lot of thought and prayer, some pushing and prodding, and some great advice from a few trusted friends and family members, I’ve decided to join Hannah (my daughter) on a missions trip to Guatemala. This summer, I will be joining our church’s high school missions team as they head to Guatemala to serve with A.I.M. (Adventures in Missions). I don’t know all the details yet, but I know we’ll be there for eight days.
So why was this decision such a big deal to me? After all, going on a missions trip with my daughter sounds like a great idea. Right? Well, yes it does. And lots of people take trips like this. I know the trip will cost money, and I don’t know where that’s coming from yet, but I’m trusting that God will provide (I’m trying to figure out how to use The Stretched Blog and The Stretched Community to help). My bigger worry is about leaving home for eight days. You may remember that we had to cancel a planned trip to Kenya a couple of years ago due to some family health issues. These health issues have improved dramatically, but I still carry some of the fear and anxiety of that time period. This makes the decision more challenging for me.
As I was discussing my decision with a good friend a couple of days ago, he pointed out that I had faith that God would provide the financial resources to make the trip possible. Shouldn’t I also have faith that God would take care of things at home while I was away? This point really hit home for me. And so I’m making this leap of faith to Guatemala – trusting that God will provide both financially and health-wise.
I’m excited to share more of this journey with The Stretched Community in the coming days, weeks, and months. Stay tuned to keep up with this leap of faith.
How or where are you taking a leap of faith these days? Have you ever been to Guatemala?
Leap of Faith
I’ve been wrestling with a decision for a while now. The decision is a big deal for me. I see so many reasons to go a certain direction with the decision, but I grapple with my own fears and anxiety that would keep me from going in that direction.
I’ve talked with a few people about the decision. These are godly people whose wisdom and opinion I respect. Each of them have encouraged me to put aside my fears and to take a leap of faith.
What is faith?
Faith is trusting in things we can’t see, in things we can’t control, and in power beyond us. Faith is about dreaming big. Faith is believing that everything will be okay in the end even when we can’t see the way right in front of us. Faith is being able to put aside our fears – or maybe to face our fears – and trust that God will take care of things. Faith can help us break the paralysis of analysis inflicted by life’s anxieties. Faith is more than just words – it’s followed by actions.
Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see. Hebrews 11:1
As I was thinking about faith and about my decision, this clip from Indian Jones and The Last Crusade came to mind. In the scene, Indiana Jones must get from one side of a chasm to the other side. When he arrives at the edge, there’s no apparent way to get across. Through his study of ancient literature and archaeology, Indiana Jones comes to the conclusion that the only way across the gaping pit is to take a step of faith. This is exactly how I feel as I head into my decision.
Isn’t this a great clip? You see, in life, we have decisions to make that require faith. Which college should I go to and what should my major be? Who should I marry? Where should I live? Where should I work? Where should I go to church? Should we have kids? You get the idea. Our lives are riddled with decisions that require faith. We have to trust that as we step into the great unknown, God will catch us. And that’s where I’m at with my decision.
Stay tuned for more details about my “big decision.”
What leap of faith do you need to take right now? What’s holding you back?
Raising The Bar
Last night, our middle school parents small group talked about raising the bar. Our discussion centered on our responsibility to teach godly values and principles in our homes. We shared our concerns for the lack of boundaries and growing pressures to “lower the bar” that surround our kids as they’re bombarded by falling standards that exist all around them – especially in the media world of television, music, and internet.
During our conversation, two scriptures helped bring focus to our conversation. In Deuteronomy 6:1-9, God instructs the Israelites to talk to their kids about God and God’s commands morning, noon, and night.
These are the commands, decrees and laws the LORD your God directed me to teach you to observe in the land that you are crossing the Jordan to possess, so that you, your children and their children after them may fear the LORD your God as long as you live by keeping all his decrees and commands that I give you, and so that you may enjoy long life. Hear, Israel, and be careful to obey so that it may go well with you and that you may increase greatly in a land flowing with milk and honey, just as the LORD, the God of your ancestors, promised you.
Hear, O Israel: The LORD our God, the LORD is one. Love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength. These commandments that I give you today are to be on your hearts. Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up. Tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads. Write them on the doorframes of your houses and on your gates.
There are so many great ways to live this out in our families. Praying with your kids at bedtime is a great place to start. Taking them to church where they can hear more about God is a wonderful next step. Parents worry that they don’t have the biblical knowledge to spiritually lead their kids, but there are some great resources out there to help. Our family is currently using Fuel: Devotions to Ignite the Faith of Parents and Teens (Focus on the Family Books), a devotional by Joe White. As we wrap up dinner together, we take turns reading from this book. This gives us a time to talk about God’s Word and how it applies to our lives. Finally, I would recommend leaning into other parents. Being part of a small group like ours is a big help. This group often acts as a sounding board for parents as we strive to become better parents while dealing with the joys and challenges of parenting. It’s also a great idea to find parents who can be your example – perhaps they’re a few steps ahead of you in the parenting journal.
The second scripture that we talked about in our group came from Paul’s letter to the Colossians. In this passage, Paul instructs readers to put off the “old” things that represented our lives before knowing Christ, and he teaches us to focus on “new” things that point us in the right direction.
Since, then, you have been raised with Christ, set your hearts on things above, where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God. Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things. For you died, and your life is now hidden with Christ in God. When Christ, who is your life, appears, then you also will appear with him in glory.
Put to death, therefore, whatever belongs to your earthly nature: sexual immorality, impurity, lust, evil desires and greed, which is idolatry. Because of these, the wrath of God is coming. You used to walk in these ways, in the life you once lived. But now you must also rid yourselves of all such things as these: anger, rage, malice, slander, and filthy language from your lips. Do not lie to each other, since you have taken off your old self with its practices and have put on the new self, which is being renewed in knowledge in the image of its Creator.
As we talked about this scripture, we were all challenged to consider our role in helping our kids to live this out in light of the media that could come into our homes. We were encouraged to post these words at our computers and by our TV remotes as a reminder to raise the bar on the things that enter our minds.
How do you raise the bar for your family?
Migraine Madness
During the month of February, I dealt with a series of migraines that finally led me to the doctors. Thankfully, I have been feeling better each day for the past week, and it’s been over two weeks since my last migraine. In the midst of my migraines, I wrote the following thoughts. If you’ve had migraines, you can probably relate. If you haven’t had migraines, this will give you a small glimpse into the “wonderful” world of impaired vision, numb hands, and piercing head pain.
My vision blurs as I begin to lose focus; I can barely see what lies ahead.
The words on the page become wavy as I wish I were home in my bed.
It’s as thought someone squeezed my eyes; I try to blink to see if it clears.
But nothing seems to help. The pages smear.
Next, I notice my hand starts to tingle; I crack my knuckles to feel them pop.
Then suddenly, I feel nothing; My hand goes numb; my shoulders drop.
I’m frustrated. Why must this persist?
It drives me crazy. I can’t feel my fist.
As my vision fades back into view, and the feeling returns to my fingers
I know what’s next – a throbbing head pain that lingers.
Sometimes it lasts for an hour or two (if I’m lucky),
But often the pain and the lack of energy lasts for a day or two.
It feels like someone drove a nail through the side of my head – I want to cry
And then they stuck cotton rags behind my eyes.
Bright lights and sunny skies drive me into the dark;
I put on my sunglasses and I pray for and end to the pain and the disorientation.
When will it stop? When will I think and see clearly – without distortion?
Can you feel my pain? What have you been through that left you feeling frustrated or down? What helped to lift you up?
Ten Things Every Small Group Leader Should Know
Several months ago, I had the honor and privilege of sharing my thoughts to a group of small group leaders at our church. I shared this list on the old jonstolpe.wordpress site, and it continues to be the most popular post. I thought it might be a good idea to repost it here on the new site to hopefully spark some new conversation and thoughts about small group leadership. So here are my notes:
I’m excited about this opportunity to share. If you don’t know me or if you haven’t figured it out, I’m extremely passionate about small groups. I truly believe they can provide a path for connection to others and to God. I also believe that small groups play an important role in accountability and discipleship. In no way is this list the Bible of small group leaders. It’s just my thoughts based on my involvement with small groups in various capacities for nearly 20 years. I’ve participated in groups. I’ve led groups. I’ve led group leaders. And I even had the privilege of leading a team of coaches. (I was also brought up in a home where small groups were important and modeled by my parents.) As I share my ideas, I’d encourage you to take a few notes. So here goes:
1. Small group leaders are important. They play a big part in helping people find community, find God, and find growth. If you are a small group leader, you need to know that what you do matters.
2. Small group leaders set the tone. Whether or not you consider yourself a Biblical scholar, your group members look to you as an example. For this reason, it’s important that small group leaders continue to model growth. They should be in the Word. They should develop disciplines that model growth. Small group leaders aren’t perfect, but they must find others who will hold them accountable to setting the tone.
3. Small groups are not about small group leaders. Small groups aren’t meant to showcase your incredible “holiness” or biblical knowledge. Small groups aren’t meant to show off how great you are as a leader. Small groups are about the group – about pointing people to God.
3A. Small groups aren’t just about the groups either. Get out there and serve with your group. Find a way once a month or once every other month to get out there and serve together. Adopt a place that your group can focus on. There are many area nursing homes, soup kitchens, food and clothing pantries, etc. that would love to have the support of your group. Getting your group involved in this type of service gets your group focused on others and allows your group to practically put into motion what following Christ is all about.
4. Small group leaders aren’t supposed to live on an island. Leaders must find ways to stay strong and spiritually fervent. They must also have a support team to provide guidance when small group life gets tough – and it usually will. (I wrote about this on my blog over a year ago.)
5. Small group leaders must be invitational. Intimacy and transparency in groups can be great, but it shouldn’t be an excuse not to invite others into the group. I’m a big proponent of the “open chair” policy in small groups. If you’re a small group leader, set the tone. Make sure there is always an open chair in your group for new group members and guests. Talk about it with your group. Don’t let it be optional.
6. Small group leaders aren’t perfect. I think I said this before. Group leaders must be honest with themselves. They must learn to ask for help. Maybe you stink at the administrative stuff, or maybe you’re a terrible host. Look to those around you. Get others to use their gifts to help the group and to help you as a leader. Not only does this make you and the group better, but it engages others into the group experience. People want to be asked to help. They are often just waiting for you to ask them to get involved.
7. Being a small group leader isn’t always easy. Let’s face it, nobody likes to deal with EGRs (Extra Grace Required people). But it can also be challenging when people in your group are going through difficult life circumstances. People in your groups will get sick, they’ll have messed up relationships, and they’ll make mistakes that carry significant consequences. You may be required to get involved with the mess. Embrace it. God may have placed you in leadership for such a time as this.
8. Seek advice and wisdom from trusted advisers. Your pastor, group life pastor and others who have been doing small group ministry for a while can be helpful. They will know how to react. They will know when to bring in assistance. (I have also found a lot of great small group leader advice and resources on-line. Mention blogs – Because Relationships Matter by Kathy Guy, Heather Zempel, Life & Theology by Ben Reed, Mark Howell Live by Mark Howell, Simple Small Groups by Bill Search, Small Group Books.com by Ryan Knight, Small Group Pastors by the Central Christian Church in Las Vegas, The Naked Truth About Small Group Ministry by Randall Neighbor, and Will Johnston – of NCC.)
9. Lean into the small group leader community. Make it a priority to be here for each quarterly meeting. Connect with each other outside this meeting. Go to lunch or breakfast together. When you see each other in and out of church, stop, ask, and share about your group.
9A. Be patient. It may take time for your small group to grow. I remember starting our first group at our church. We met at our house. The Stolpes and the Callahans. This was it week after week after week. Then we added the Santangelos. Then the Bonanis started coming. Suddenly our small living room was filling up. We switched over to the Callahans. Before we knew it, we had to split up into three different rooms. The group had grown so much. I have seen this trend again and again. Don’t give up! It may take a little while for your group to catch on. Remember that God is there when two or more gather in His name.
10. Be passionate! My list started with a reminder that what you do as a small group leader matters. Realize this fact. Think about it. Believe it. Act like it! You have a great honor and privilege to lead others in their journey towards Christ. This is awesome stuff! Be excited about what you are doing. Spread the excitement to others!
That’s my top 10 (or 12) things that small group leaders should know. I’d love to hear your ideas and questions. Before that, I’d like to leave you with this. Thank you! Thank you for stepping up to serve. Thank you for getting out of your comfort zone. Thank you for leading. Thank you for leading when it’s fun and when it’s not. Thank you for making a difference. Thank you for caring enough to help others connect to others and to God.
So these were my notes. I would add another point based on some of the discussion that followed our meeting. We’ll call it number 7A: You may need to be flexible. Sometimes life happens, and you need to throw out your plans for the meeting to address concerns that need immediate attention.
I’d love to hear your thoughts.
What would you add to the list? How have you seen these points in your small group experience?
Quality – Time
Today is Day Four of Quality Week on The Stretched Blog. Check out the previous three days to catch up on some of my thoughts on quality. I’m approaching the word quality from a different angle today. We usually associate the word quality with a product or service… ‘they provide quality service‘… or… ‘that product is a quality product.‘ But what if we look at quality as an indication of our time? What does quality time look like?
Quality time means being present. In order for me to provide quality time to my wife and kids, my mind has to be with them at the same time my body is next to them. It’s easy for my mind to wander to work, to the big game, to my next blog post, to anything. If I’m serious about quality time, I need to focus on my wife and kids when I’m with them.
Quality time means making the time. In our house, it feels like we are so busy going from one activity to the next. We go to work, school, sports, scouts, piano, small groups, church, school activities, puppy club, etc. All these things are great, but they can crowd out time to spend in relationship together. With all of our activities, our family definitely has to be intentional with our time together (and we don’t always get it right). Try turning off the TV and play a game instead. Go for a ride in the car together. Take a walk. Each of these things can provide quality time for you and your family.
Quality time means saying no. Sometimes, we have to say no to activities that are demanding our attention. I was struck by Isaac’s decision this weekend to miss out on an event that he normally would have jumped at the chance to attend. He decided that he needed a break – that it was okay if he didn’t make it this time. I applaud him for deciding to hang out with his parents.
Quality time means being creative. This past weekend, I had the honor of taking Hannah out for a date. We ended up going to the gym to work out which honestly didn’t give us any quality time together; however, we followed up the gym with her first trip to Kiwi Yogurt, a local frozen yogurt place. We picked out our treats and we headed to the car where we enjoyed our frozen desserts and some great conversation about heading to high school next year. Think outside the box when it comes to creating quality times for you and your family.
Quality time is important. I don’t want to get to the end of my life and realize that I rushed through it just to get to the next thing.
What does quality time look like for you? How do you make quality time in your life?
Quality – Starts With Me
Quality Week on The Stretched Blog continues with this 3rd post. Go check out the past two days of discussion if you need to catch up. You can catch up my clicking here or here.
As a dad and as a leader, I care about passing down and exemplifying quality to me kids and to me team. I want them to respond with quality.
Unfortunately, I don’t always get it right at work or at home and neither do my kids or the members of my team.
I think it’s important to understand the benefits of doing things with quality and to recognize the downside of allowing our performance to be less than stellar.
You may know that our family currently has two dogs. Iso is our forever doe. He’s a lovable eight year old black lab who loves to lay around and sleep. Irwin is our 17 week old seeing eye puppy. He keeps us on our toes with his puppy teeth and puppy energy. Hannah, our daughter, is responsible for taking care of Irwin which leaves our son, Isaac, to handle Iso. (Are you confused with all the “I” names?) Part of caring for Iso involves taking him outside and cleaning up the dog poop. It’s not a glamorous job, but you can understand that it’s essential.
When Isaac takes Iso out, he’s supposed to clean up after the dog right away. Obviously, there are major benefits to performing this task with quality. The yard is clear of “landmines” and Isaac doesn’t have to mess with it later.
But what happens when his “job” performance lacks quality? We end up with dog poop in the yard. Someone steps in it and gets it in their shoes. Then they track it in the house which leads to lots of extra cleanup and wasted time. It also means that we have to be on Isaac more to make sure he’s doing his jobs correctly. This isn’t fun for Isaac or for mom and dad. Inevitably, Isaac has to spend more time cleaning up the yard, because he didn’t do it right the first time.
Suddenly, the lesson in quality starts to make more sense. When it comes to quality, we want to do it right because we do it right – not because we do it twice.
As I ponder quality today, it may seem like I’m picking on my son. This isn’t my intent. These thoughts are a reminder to me that I must act with quality first – especially if I expect my team and my kids to make quality a priority.
And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him. Colossians 3:17
How have you been positively or negatively impacted by your attention or lack of attention to quality? If you are a leader, how do you demonstrate the importance of quality to your team?
Quality Response Matters
This week The Stretched Blog is focusing on quality. Yesterday, I shared about Mr. Bobo, a man who clearly had an influence on me when it comes to quality. Through the comments, it’s been interesting to hear how others have had a quality influence on The Stretched Community. Today, I take the discussion of quality to another place. I hope you’ll read along and add to the comments.
When I think of the word quality, I often think about times when I have been impacted by poor quality. Poor quality is easy to remember. It happens when our expectations aren’t met. It happens when we are inconvenienced or when we’re treated poorly.
I remember a time when I picked up a brand new car several years ago. I love the smell of a new car, and I was looking forward to driving the new car off the lot and getting used to the new vehicle. You can imagine my disappointment when just a half mile down the road the transmission seized and the car stopped. Obviously, the transmission product quality was overlooked when this vehicle was shipped from the factory.
I also recall a time when my family was turned away at a hotel despite our reservations and despite the fact that we had confirmed our reservations earlier that day. The hotel had obviously overbooked for the evening, and we were victims of the poor service quality.
In both of these cases, quality was a big issue. As service or product providers, we fail when we permit our products to be released without appropriately checking for quality. Customers deserve our best. Having said this, I realize that mistakes and errors happen. When this happens, we must ask, “How do we respond to flaws in quality?”
Our failure becomes catastrophic when we ignore the product or service faults. Customers change loyalties. They can become outspoken against our product or service especially when we fail to take corrective action to improve our quality.
On the flip side, when we respond quickly and decisively to our lapses in quality, we demonstrate to our customers that we care and that we truly want the best for them. It shows them that we’re committed to getting it right.
Looking back to my new car experience, the car dealership had an embarrassing situation on their hands. Despite the fact that they did not manufacture the car, they had the uncomfortable position of taking responsibility for the situation. I honestly don’t remember all the details of how the situation was resolved; however, I do remember being satisfied with the actions taken by the car dealership. The dealership acted quickly and appropriately to make sure my total experience was a quality experience.
As for the hotel situation, the hotel staff found a room for us, but our kids had to sleep on the floor. As we made our way to our room, we heard other hotel patrons complaining about the poor service they were receiving. You can guess that our family won’t be going back to that hotel again.
Quality matters.
How we respond to lapses in quality matters also.
Share about a time when you experienced quality either initially or in response to less than stellar quality. How does quality drive your future consumer decisions? How do you make sure quality is part of your product delivery?
I Don’t Want to be a Pharisee
I don’t want to be a Pharisee!
In Matthew, Jesus speaks out warning against the Pharisees and the teachers of the law. He calls them hypocrites and snakes. He calls them out for saying one thing but doing another thing. He scolds them for falsely teaching others – for taking the law out of context and missing the point of the law.
We don’t have Pharisees today, but we do have preachers, teachers, and lay people who do the very things for which Jesus accused the teachers of the law and the Pharisees. I don’t want to be like that.
As a father, I find that this is the biggest area where I struggle with this. I want to be the best example for my kids. I want to teach them in words, and I want to lead by my actions. Unfortunately, I don’t always get this right. I fail. I don’t follow through. I lack consistency at times. I tell them to watch what they eat while I grab a bowl of ice cream for myself. I tell them to get a good nights sleep while I burn the candle at both ends.
God, may the thoughts in my heart and mind, the words of my mouth, and my actions please and honor you!
May these words of my mouth and this meditation of my heart be pleasing in your sight, LORD, my Rock and my Redeemer. Psalm 19:14
Are you a hypocrite? Come clean. What action can you take today to end your hypocrisy?