The Blessing Of Friendship

Dear George,

Remember no man is a failure who has friends.

Thanks for the wings.

Clarence

(From one of my favorite movies – It’s A Wonderful Life)

Thursday night, I once again experienced the blessing of friendship after I received a call from my wife as I was leaving work:

“You’re not going to like this news, but the basement is full of water.”

How To Handle Conflict In Your Life

I recently discovered myself stuck in the middle of a situation.  I’m generally known to be a good listener, and I think I generally give pretty good advice.  But this is not always a blessing.  Every once in a while I find myself sucked into the vortex of a place I should never be.

My intentions were good when I initially started listening to a friend, but I think I may have gone a little too far when I failed to stop him from telling me about some disagreements he was having between someone else.  I honestly don’t believe he was trying to bring me into the problem.  I think he felt the need to vent and to get some outside perspective and council.

I happen to be good friends with both individuals involved.  And like a coin, there are two sides to every story and every disagreement.  Resolving disputes like this can be a scary proposition.

The Bible lays out pretty clear instructions for those caught in a dispute with their brother.  If you take time to follow these steps you have a much better chance of finding the right outcome for your dispute.

As I was processing this experience in my life, I realized it was a topic previously addressed here on The Stretched Blog.  In a guest post titled Managing Conflict, Frank Chiapperino shared practical advice for handling conflict:

Sometimes as leaders we need to be a guiding presence and help others navigate through conflict. There are times I will have a staff member or another volunteer leader at our church call me and say, “Frank, I need help. There are some members of my team that are at each other’s throats.” For some strange reason they don’t share my joy when I say, “THAT IS GREAT!” When I manage conflict I normally start where many Christian leaders do, following Matthew chapter 18:

15″If your brother sins against you, go and show him his fault, just between the two of you. If he listens to you, you have won your brother over. 16But if he will not listen, take one or two others along, so that ‘every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.’ 17If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church; and if he refuses to listen even to the church, treat him as you would a pagan or a tax collector.

• Go to them privately and confront them on the issue
• If a private discussion doesn’t work take a witness. That means someone who has seen the behavior you are speaking to them about.
• If that doesn’t work attempt to involve church leadership to aid in resolution of the problem.
• If that fails, end the relationship.

That is pretty much what Matthew lays out, and it is sound advice that works. However, I do have a few other guiding principles I follow that aid in confrontation and conflict resolution:

• Be wise with your words. Everything you say in a confrontation will either escalate or de-escalate a conflict. Try to use words and responses that we de-escalate the tension.

• Don’t discuss nameless people. Sometimes people will say, “Someone told me…” If they refuse to use actual names of real people, don’t acknowledge it as a leader in the church. It only leads to pointless discussion because you can’t get the real person behind whatever it is involved.

• If you’re wrong, admit it right away. This is powerful in conflict resolution. Think about it for a minute. How often do you hear people actually admit they are wrong? Not often, it is a real sign of maturity and it will have an immediate affect on the situation.

Frank’s words of wisdom were a welcome reminder for how I should direct my friend who is trying to navigate his conflict.  For the rest of Frank’s post, click here.

What have you learned from handling conflict in your life?

For other related articles, check out:

• Leading Through Conflict
• 6 Ways to Transform Conflict by Michael Hyatt
• When A Story Really Begins by Jeff Goins
• How To Handle Conflict In Leadership by Joe Lalonde

Drive Like Your Kids Live Here

Drive like your kids live here.

Last week, I was driving through the town of Macungie, PA on my way from one job site to another when I saw this sign in someone’s yard.

Drive like your kids live here.  Obviously, the homeowner is trying to tell travelers to slow down and to drive safely as they pass through their community.  I’m pretty sure I was driving safely, but it was a good reminder.  When I drive am I thinking about others around me?  Am I driving like my kids could be playing nearby?

Several years ago, my company conducted customer focused training where we learned tips and tricks for satisfying and winning over our customers.  Part of this training stuck in my head:  Talk to your customers as if you were talking to your Grandmother.  I’m not sure that either of my grandmothers cared much about building automation, but I know they both expected to be treated with respect.  And this is how I should be treating my customers.

How would your life be different if you started acting and speaking as if your kids or your grandparents were sitting next to you?

Would you treat people with more respect?  Would you be more alert to follow the rules?  Would you remove a few choice words from your vocabulary?

Sometimes I think we need this kind of recalibration in our lives.

Now I want to take this a little bit further.

How would our driving change if we knew Jesus were sitting by our side?  How would we talk to our customers if we knew Jesus were listening into our conversations?  How would we relate to our children, our spouse, and our parents if we remembered that Jesus was there to observe?

My daily prayer is this:  Lord, help me represent you well in everything I do today.

I challenge you to start your day with this prayer and remember God’s presence in your life.

And the next time you drive through Macungie, PA, drive like Jesus lives there.

Leave your thoughts in the comments.

5 Ways To Replace Our Negative Labels For Positive Ones

Loser.  Waste.  Creep.  Lunatic.

Fat.  Chunky.  Ugly.  Gross.

Stupid.  Dumb.  Nerd.  Geek.

Pathetic.  Lame.  Dork.  Weird.

Slow.  Clumsy.  Awful.  Lazy.

Unwanted.  Unloved.  Worthless.

Labels.

What label do you wear?  Are you letting a negative label define you?

Our family went to the local pool Sunday afternoon to relax and enjoy each others company.  The pool was crowded.  Some kids were running around.  Some kids were screaming.  Some adults were sitting under their umbrellas.  And some adults were sitting out in the sun in their best poolside attire.

I couldn’t help doing a little people watching while we were sitting in our chairs under our umbrella.

I’m especially curious when I see people who have tattoos, and the pool is a great place to observe the various ink designs that permanently cover the epidermis of the sunbathers.

At one point, I noticed a man walking near us who had tattoos across his shoulders and down his arms.  And I couldn’t help but notice the tattoo across the man’s belly.  The tattoo was three letters which were about five inches tall.  Here were the letters:

F A T

I don’t know what this man was thinking.  It seems he was embracing a label he was given sometime in his life.  Someone called him “FAT” and it stuck.

I wonder if he likes being fat.  I wonder if he likes this label.  Or I wonder if he has chosen to simply accept the label.

If we’re honest, I think we have all struggled with negative labels.  Some of our negative labels have been thrust on us by inconsiderate parents, peers, and other people.  And some of the negative labels are the result of unreasonable self talk.

When we accept these labels, we are doing ourselves a huge disservice.  We are more than these negative labels.  We are God’s children, and He loves us.  It’s time we learn to replace the negative labels with labels more representative of who we are and who we were meant to be.

Try these labels on for size:

Beautiful.  Winner.  Smart.  Loved.

Desired.  Blessed.  Wonderful.  Worthwhile.

Friend.  Funny.  Fantastic.  Splendid.

Special.  Precious.  Unique.  Redeemed.

Child of the King.

If we want to shed the negative labels that have crept into our lives, we have to be intentional.  Here are some tips for getting rid of the labels in our lives that tear us down:

5 Ways To Replace Our Negative Labels For Positive Ones

1. Remove the negative influences in your life.  Who or what is feeding your mind with lies?  Get rid of the people or things that are leading you to believe you aren’t good enough.  In some cases, this may mean the end of relationships.  In other cases, you may need to stop watching certain television shows or reading certain material.  Shed the negative.
2. Feed your life with positive influences.  Connect with people who will build you up.  Fill your mind with truth.  Focus on the positive.
3. Put the past in the past, and recognize the gift of today.  We all have junk in our trunk.  We have baggage that will weigh us down if we let it.  Let today be a new day.  When you woke up this morning, you were given a fresh start.  Make the most of a chance to begin again.
4. Look in the mirror with corrective lenses.  When I was a young kid, I had to wear corrective glasses to overcome my vision problems.  Now I have to wear them again to help me read.  Without my glasses, my vision is distorted.  I’m not seeing the appropriate representation of what is in front of me.  Sometimes our self-image becomes distorted.  We need to learn to look at ourselves with new eyes.
5. Let God label you.  If you read the Bible, there is an overarching theme of grace, mercy, and love.  God loves you, and He did not make you to carry around the weight of negative labels.  The next time you feel the negative labels creeping in, read Psalm 139.  It’s all about you!

I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.  Psalm 139:14

What labels are you carrying?  How have you replaced your negative labels for positive ones?  Share your responses in the comments and join the conversation.

The Discipline Of Less

I remember doing everything I could to get more baseball cards.  I bought bubblegum packs at the local 7-Eleven store at the edge of my neighborhood in Lumberton, NJ.  I bought triple packs at Woolworth’s in Mt. Holly, NJ.  I traded cards with friends, and I worked hard to accumulate more and more cards to complete the set of cards for the year.

An annual Topps baseball card set consisted of 792 cards when I was growing up.  I opened each pack, and looked at each card hoping to find a star player or a card I needed to complete my set.  I turned over the card and read the information about the baseball player pictured on the front of the card.  Then I sorted the cards.  First, I’d sort the cards into hundreds.  Then I would take each stack of hundreds and sort them into piles of tens.  I would insert the cards I still needed into my set, and I’d add any doubles into another box which I would use to trade with my friends.

My obsession with gathering more and more baseball cards for my collection grew and grew through high school.  In college, this obsession began to shift as I focused more on my studies and the next stage of my life.

I stopped gathering baseball cards, and I started gathering CDs (these are the round metal things that used to contain music for playing in a compact disc player).  I wanted to keep up with my brother, my college friends, and others who were also collecting CDs.  For a while, I couldn’t get enough CDs.  I had to have the latest album from U2, R.E.M., Billy Joel, They Might Be Giants, DC Talk, Stephen Curtis Chapman, The Kry, and others.  I remember visiting the local music store with my friend, John Kosydar, as we both searched for the next set of CDs to add to our collections.  One CD was not enough.  I had to have more.

Eventually, I outgrew this obsession, and I switched to bigger, more expensive pursuits like cars, houses, and vacations.

More!  More!  More!

After pursuing these things, I have come to realize these things don’t really satisfy.  In fact, they leave me feeling empty.  My baseball cards sit in my house gathering dust.  My CDs are filed away rarely getting played.  My cars and house wear out.

My pursuit of more is clearly misdirected.  And I’m sure I’m not alone.

What are you pursing?  What obsession has your attention?

In considering disciplines worth following, I think it’s time we start looking at the discipline of less.

My friend, Dan Erickson, writes about the simple life on his blog – hipdiggs.com.  After his own failed efforts to find happiness by pursuing stuff, he has made a shift.  Dan has decided to simplify his life by becoming a minimalist.  Instead of accumulating stuff, Dan is accumulating relationships with his daughter, with his students, with his neighbors, and with his friends in the blog world.  Dan seems to be practicing the discipline of less, and I think we could all learn a thing or two by taking a page out of his book.

The discipline of less actually provides more time, energy, and resources for the things that matter.

They say “Less is more.”  There’s only one way to find out if it’s true.  I challenge you to find out for yourself by taking up the discipline of less starting TODAY!

What are you holding onto that needs to go?

How would your life change if you practiced the discipline of less?  What is one thing you can do TODAY to shed the weight of things that don’t matter in the end?

What good will it be for someone to gain the whole world, yet forfeit their soul? Or what can anyone give in exchange for their soul?

Matthew 16:26

The Inside Counts

I wonder if the homeowners knew how unhealthy this tree really was.  The green leaves and the bark on the outside of the trunk left travelers like myself the impression that the tree was healthy.  In reality, the tree was rotting from the inside out.

The fallen tree had me thinking the rest of the way up to the job site.

Am I taking care of my insides?  Or am I just faking it hoping everyone thinks I’m doing fine?

Many people dress to impress.  We wine and dine.  We spend like there is no tomorrow.  And we put on a shell that doesn’t give bystanders a real picture of what is on the inside.

Self-examination and transparency with a few close confidants is required to give an honest assessment of what is really going on inside our skin.  Are we filling our minds with things that honor God?  Or are we filling our heads with trash?  Are we feeding our hearts and souls with “nutrition”?  Or are we consuming “junk food”?

These aren’t questions you can answer in the comments of a blog post.  These are questions you must intentionally ponder.

When you arrive at your answer, you have a decision to make:  What do you need to start doing to build a healthy inside?  What do you need to stop doing to prevent further rotting inside?  And what do you need to keep doing to stay on track and to build a life that honors God from the inside out?

These are the questions I leave you with today.  Truly dwelling on these questions and your answers should keep you stretching.

Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.  Philippians 4:8

Feel free to leave your thoughts in the comments.

Lessons Learned On My Vacation

I’m still here!

Last week, I took a vacation with my wife’s family to Hilton Head Island, South Carolina.

The vacation gave me the opportunity to enjoy time with my family, to enjoy relaxing on the beach and at the pool, and to enjoy being unplugged.

The WiFi where we were staying was terrible.  At first, I was kind of bummed.  I had hoped to do some writing while we were on vacation, and I planned to post on the blog (at least a few times) during the week.  Instead, I went an entire week without posting a thing on my blog.  I checked Facebook a few times, and I read a few of the blogs I follow.  Besides this, I took a vacation from the blog world.

Some would say this isn’t a smart idea.  In the past, I’ve scheduled posts or had people guest post in my absence.  This was an option I decided not to pursue this time around.  I’m not sure how it will impact my traffic.  In the short term, I’m sure it will have a negative impact.  In the long term, I think it may actually make a positive difference.

Without question, I believe it will improve the quality of my posts.  Blog experts say consistency is queen – meaning I should have posted through my vacation.  And they also say content is king.  If this is true, I’m excited to see how my week away will impact my blog.

We live in a day and age when most people struggle to disconnect from the world.  We have smart phones at our finger tips.  With a WiFi connection, we can connect with our laptops and tablets to the rest of the world.  All this connectivity has some positive perks:

1. I can connect with almost anyone from around the world.  This means I have friends in Tennessee, Washington, Ukraine, Canada, Guatemala, Pennsylvania, Virginia, and many other places.  From this standpoint, the world has decreased in size.  I’m thankful for these friends.
2. I can access information within seconds.  Google is a company, and it is also a verb.  If I want to know who won the Tour de France, I can google it, and I’ll have the information in seconds.  This provides a powerful learning tool for the curious.
3. I can build my own platform.  Last year, I wrote and published my first book.  I hired an editor on-line.  I received help with my cover design.  And I launched the book following instructions I found on-line.  This time of connectivity provides all kinds of opportunities we probably couldn’t experience before the birth of the Internet (thanks Al Gore).

Unfortunately, it’s not all positive.  In this world of instant information access, we are faced with some major challenges:

1. Our attention span is decreasing.  If you made it to this point in the post, you’ve already defied the odds.  I’ve heard on many podcasts that we are losing our ability to focus on things for a significant length of time.  Books are becoming shorter in an effort to keep the attention of readers.  Newspaper articles and on-line magazine articles are shrinking their average word count to keep up with popular blogs with average 300-600 words per post.  Headlines are not considered to be successful unless they can nicely fit into the 140 character Twitter limitation.
2. Our ability to verbally connect face-to-face (or voice-to-voice) is being challenged.  My kids haven’t had to answer the “house phone”, because we don’t have a land line phone.  Kids are getting used to communicating through text messages, Instagram, and Snap Chat.  I interviewed several engineering candidates over the last year, and I am amazed by how few of these candidates are comfortable looking me in the eye and having a conversation.
3. Our immediate relationships are being put on the back burner in exchange for face time with our cell phones and other technological gadgets.  We have a “No Phone At The Table” Rule to combat this problem in our house.  If you are talking to someone or spending time with someone, put your phone away and engage with the other people in your presence.

Vacation provided many great reminders for me.  I’m thankful for the chance to take a break.  I’m thankful for my family.  And I’m thankful for my friends (off-line and on-line).  As I head back into my “normal” routine this morning, I look forward to capitalizing on the connection I experienced while I was away, and I look forward to connecting with those I know on-line.

What are your vacation plans for the rest of the year?  How will you connect while you are away?  How has your connectivity positively and negatively impacted your life?

Forced To Slow Down

Two weeks ago, I wrote about my basketball experience at the gym.  In the post, I asked “Are You Fully Committed To Your Goals?”

My basketball experience was inspiring at first.

However, things turned a different corner the next day when I developed a pain in my lower left leg.  I can’t be 100% sure, but I’m fairly certain this pain was caused by my efforts on the basketball court.  After years of running for distance, my legs were not used to the running required on the basketball court.  On the court, you stop.  You jump.  You sprint.  You run backwards.  And you cut around other players on the court.  For some reason, my leg didn’t like this experience.

I tried to work through it for a few days by walking and biking, but the pain in my leg only became worse.

Instead of visiting the doctor, I did the thing that most guys would do.  I kept running, and I kept complaining about my leg pain.  This lasted until my daughter (who currently knows everything) looked up my symptoms online.

What did we ever do without the internet?

Within a few minutes, she determined that I might be dealing with some micro-tears in my lower calf muscles.  She prescribed rest and a few other tips based on her web findings.

To confirm her findings, I consulted a few friends who are part of the medical field.  Naturally, they recommended rest, ice, and some stretching.  They also suggested a gradual return to exercise along with some muscle-building exercises should I desire to return to the basketball court.

Up until this injury, I have been very consistent with my daily morning workouts.

The injury forced me to slow down.

Sometimes we need to take a break.  We need to give our minds and bodies the opportunity to recover, to rest, and to recharge.

Don’t wait until you face burnout or injury, decide today to build breaks into your schedule.  These breaks will help you become more effective when it comes to pursuing your passions and dreams.

My leg is finally starting to feel better.  Today, I will head back to the gym to restart my exercise routine.  I won’t be able to jump back in at full tilt.  I will have to slowly build back up to my pre-injury intensity.  I won’t get back on the basketball court today, but I’ll get back there sometime soon with proper training which will included opportunities to recover, rest, and recharge.

When were you forced to slow down?  How to you recover, rest, and recharge?  Tell me about it in the comments.

Learning From The Waves Of Life

I moved from Illinois to New Jersey when I was 8 years old.  I had never seen the ocean before we moved.  I remember my first trip to the beach with my Mom and my brother, David.  We visited some friends who were vacationing near the shore (this is what we call the beach in New Jersey).

I remember digging a deep hole in the sand.  I kept digging until I couldn’t get my arm any deeper.  In my memory, I recall actually reaching water at the bottom of my whole (although I’m not sure that is possible).

I also remember playing in the waves for the first time.  They scared me as they knocked me off-balance.  The force of the waves was too much for my little 8-year-old body to withstand.

As I grew older, I continued to take trips to the ocean.  Over time, I became more and more relaxed swimming in the powerful waters of the Atlantic Ocean, and I soon mastered body surfing.  I started by swimming out past the breakers.  There I waited for the perfect wave.  As the wave approached, I started swimming for the shore.  Just as the wave reached me, I took one or two more strokes and let the wave carry me to the shoreline.

The feeling of catching the perfect wave is exhilarating.

While I was in Ocean City, MD last weekend, I enjoyed time on the beach where I had the opportunity to do some body surfing.  The waves were especially strong this time.  Lifeguards had to pull a few small kids in who were caught in a rip current.  Nonetheless, I entered the waters with excitement as I anticipated riding the waves.

I caught a few magnificent waves at first.  I could tell the force of the waves was powerful as I struggled to keep swim back out beyond the breakers.

And then it happened.

I found myself face to face with the biggest wave I had seen all day.  My heart skipped as I began the process of lining myself up for the wave.  I was expecting a great ride.  I took my customary strokes as the wave caught up to me, and I was off and gliding towards the beach.  Suddenly, the wave collapsed on top of me, and I felt my head thrust hard into the sandy bottom of the ocean floor.  As I twisted and turned in the water, I thought I might have a concussion.  The wave then turned me around and rubbed by shoulder against the sand.  The feeling on my back felt like the pain of a good rug burn.

The wave pushed on, and I found me footing and the ocean floor.  I stood up grabbing my head.  My neck ached with pain as I tried to catch my breath.

After a few minutes, I gingerly headed back out beyond the breaker line.  I couldn’t end my body surfing experience without catching one or two more good waves.

After a few more waves and one last wave ride to the beach, I stepped out of the water and headed back to the beach chairs where our group was gathered.  The waves brought a smile to my face, and they also humbled me.

In life, we face ups and downs.  We face extreme joys one moment, and we face the jolting feeling when something unexpected gets in our way.  We can choose to bury our heads in the sand when we experience life’s pains, or we can walk back to our friends and family with our heads held high knowing we have been shaped by our experiences.

What waves are you experiencing in your life these days?  How are you finding joy?  And how are you being shaped by the pains of life?  Tell me about it in the comments.

Small Steps To Big Leaps – Getting Outside Our Comfort Zones

I consider myself to be fairly athletic.  I can hold my own on the basketball court, the football field, the baseball diamond, and the bowling alley.  I even do well in the swimming pool.  I can post up a player or block a shot in a basketball game thanks to my height.  I love running a fade pattern to the corner of the end zone while playing a game of pickup football.  I can hit a line drive up the middle for a single.  And with a little practice, I’m pretty sure I could bowl over 200 again.

Despite my athletic abilities, I am terrible when it comes to board sports.  I can’t skate board.  I’m fairly shaky on snow skis and water skis.  And ice skating and roller skating are just as bad.  Part of it has to do with my high center of gravity.  When I fall, it’s a long way down and a painful landing.

Needless to say, I’m more than a little timid when it comes to trying any kind of new board sports.

Have you ever been scared to try something new?

Maybe your past experiences have left you feeling hesitant to cross the boundaries of your comfort zone.  Your fears and anxieties may be preventing you from having the time of your life.

I went to Ocean City, Maryland this weekend with my family to relax and spend time with some good friends.  The weekend included many memorable moments.

My friend, John, has a paddle board, and he was insistent that I give it a try.

A paddle board looks like a long, wide surfboard.  Riders stand on the board and use a long paddle to maneuver the board through the water.  Balance is essential to successfully staying on the board.

I watched him try it first.  Then I encouraged my younger and more agile daughter to give it a try, and she did a great job navigating the calm waters of the lagoon behind John’s house.

Next, it was my turn.  I voiced my concern about trying this new thing.  The sight of jellyfish in the lagoon did not do a lot to comfort me as I considered the strong possibility of me joining them in the water below the paddle board.  Nonetheless, I had to give it a try.

I found my way from the dock to the board, and I quickly started to tip the board.  I sat back down on the dock for a moment to reconsider my decision.  I decided to give it another try, and I stood back up on the board.  I gently pushed away from the dock, and I felt my legs shaking as I tried to stay on the right side of the paddle board.  I made a small circle, and tried to come back to the dock, but John wouldn’t let me.  I looped around again, and I went a little further out into the lagoon.  Before I knew it, I was standing up a little straighter, and I was beginning to lift my head up so I could enjoy the view.  I stayed out in the lagoon for ten or fifteen minutes (maybe it was only five minutes), but I did it!

I could have said “No” when John asked me to give it a try, but I’m glad I said “Yes.”

It’s natural to be afraid of trying new things like this.  We all have boundaries in which we feel comfortable.  Sometimes though, it’s necessary to get outside of our comfort zone.  Taking an adventure on a paddle board is something that will help me overcome my hesitations when I face a bigger fear in the future.  The paddle board experience is really just practice for getting outside my comfort zone.

I don’t know what fears and anxieties you face today.  I don’t know where the boundaries are on your comfort zone, but I’d like to challenge you today to take one small step to push the boundaries on your comfort zone.

Get off the dock and onto the paddle board.  Take a leap of faith and try something outside your comfort zone TODAY!

When was the last time you pushed the limits of your comfort zone?  What is your next step in getting outside your comfort zone?  Tell me about it in the comments.