Jon Stolpe
Jon Stolpe
Supernanny Parenting Discussion Guide – Appendix (Resource List)
Appendix
Leanne and I have read a lot of books that have helped us as parents and as partners. While we don’t necessarily hold to everything in each of these books, they often provide good ideas and discussion points for starting or continuing impacting conversations. Here’s our ever-growing reading list:
Boundaries with Kids (Paperback)
by Dr. Henry Cloud (Author), Dr. John Townsend (Author) Publisher: Zondervan; New Ed edition (November 1, 2001) ISBN-10: 0310243157 ISBN-13: 978-0310243151
Bringing Up Boys (Paperback)
by James C. Dobson (Author) Publisher: Tyndale House Publishers (March 30, 2005) ISBN-10: 1414304501 ISBN-13: 978-1414304502
Creative Correction: Extraordinary Ideas for Everyday Discipline (Hardcover)
by Lisa Whelchel (Author) Publisher: Tyndale House Publishers (October 1, 2000) ISBN-10: 1561799017 ISBN-13: 978-1561799015
The New Dare to Discipline (Paperback)
by James Dobson (Author) Publisher: Tyndale House Publishers (June 1996) ISBN-10: 0842305068 ISBN-13: 978-0842305068
The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate (Paperback)
by Gary Chapman (Author) Publisher: Northfield Publishing; Reissue edition (June 1, 1995) ISBN-10: 1881273156 ISBN-13: 978-1881273158
The Five Love Languages of Children (Paperback)
by Gary Chapman (Author), Ross Campbell (Author) Publisher: Northfield Publishing (June 1, 1997) ISBN-10: 1881273652 ISBN-13: 978-1881273653
His Needs, Her Needs: Building an Affair-Proof Marriage (Hardcover)
by Willard F. Harley Jr. (Author) Publisher: Revell; 15 Anv edition (April 1, 2001) ISBN-10: 0800717880 ISBN-13: 978-0800717889
Love Busters: Overcoming Habits That Destroy Romantic Love (Hardcover)
by Willard F.Jr. Harley (Author) Publisher: Revell; Revised edition (February 1, 2002) ISBN-10: 0800718070 ISBN-13: 978-0800718077
Moments Together for Couples (Hardcover)
by Dennis Rainey (Author), Barbara Rainey (Author) Publisher: Regal Books (October 1995) ISBN-10: 0830717544 ISBN-13: 978-0830717545
Night Light: A Devotional for Couples (Hardcover)
by James Dobson (Author), Shirley Dobson (Author) Publisher: Multnomah (August 22, 2000) ISBN-10: 1576736741 ISBN-13: 978-1576736746
Night Light for Parents: A Devotional (Hardcover)
by James Dr Dobson (Author), Shirley Dobson (Author) Publisher: Multnomah (September 30, 2005) ISBN-10: 1590524543 ISBN-13: 978-1590524541
Shepherding a Child’s Heart (Paperback)
by Tedd Tripp (Author) Publisher: Shepherd Press; 2 Reprint edition (1995) ISBN-10: 0966378601 ISBN-13: 978-0966378603
The New Strong-willed Child: Birth Through Adolescence (Paperback)
by James C. Dobson (Author) Publisher: Tyndale House Publishers (April 2007) ISBN-10: 1414313632 ISBN-13: 978-1414313634
Taking Care of the Me in Mommy: Becoming a Better Mom – Spirit, Body & Soul (Hardcover)
by Lisa Whelchel (Author) Publisher: Integrity Publishers (March 24, 2006) ISBN-10: 1591454352
Tender Warrior: Every Man’s Purpose, Every Woman’s Dream, Every Child’s Hope (Paperback)
by Stu Weber (Author) Publisher: Multnomah (April 15, 2006) ISBN-10: 1590526139 ISBN-13: 978-1590526132
(As a post note: I would love to hear about other resources that you have found helpful in your parenting and in your marriage.)
Supernanny Parenting Discussion Guide – Week 8 (Introducing Your Kids to Christ)
Week 8 – Introducing Your Kids to Christ
Icebreaker Question: In groups of four to six, spend 15 minutes talking about fun ideas that you have tried with your families. This could include holiday traditions, vacations, games, free time activities, etc. Spend the last few minutes in your groups coming up with a top 10 list of family fun ideas to share with the group as a whole.
The activity above was a real hit with our first group. After a busy 8 weeks of learning together, it’s great to have fun. Similarly, it’s important to have fun with our kids. The fun times we have with them now make for memories that will last for a lifetime.
What a blessing it has been to spend time together working on our parenting skills and learning from each other. This week, we will talk about ways in which we can introduce our kids to Christ. As with previous discussions, sometimes we just need to hear what has worked or hasn’t worked for other parents.
Here are some of the key points for this week’s conversation:
– As parents, we are in a key position to introduce our kids to the creator of the universe.
– We are examples for our kids – good and/or bad. We must decide to live our lives for Christ first.
– Above all else, the Bible should be our go to guide-book for parenting and for life..
– Consistency is critical.
– Through discipline, we have an opportunity to teach our kids about God’s grace.
No Supernanny DVD clips this week. Hopefully, you’ll survive. Instead, we want to focus on a few key passages that will kick us into our conversation. As part of this introduction, I have also included some foundational information on salvation from our church’s website.
From www.moviechurch.com
Salvation
We believe that a human being’s central purpose for existence is to have a close and personal relationship with God. Originally created for that purpose, humans defied God, choosing to go their own independent way, and were thus alienated from God. This “Fall” took place at the beginning of human history, and all individuals since have suffered these consequences and are in need of God’s forgiveness and mercy. A person can be forgiven by God and have that close, personal relationship restored by believing that Jesus is God’s Son, repenting of their sin, and being immersed for the forgiveness of their sins. (John 3:16; Acts 2:38; Romans 3:23, 10:9; 1 John 1:9)
……………………………………………………………………………
More explainable for your kids:
Admit your sin and ask forgiveness. (Romans 6:23)
Believe in Jesus and that he died for your sins. (John 3:16)
Choose to make Jesus your forever friend by getting baptized. (Acts 2:38)
Key Verses for Discussion:
“These commandments that I give you are to be upon your hearts. Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you are at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up.” Deuteronomy 6:6-7
“The Bible is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness.” 2 Timothy 3:16
“’Don’t push these children away. Don’t ever get between them and Me. These children are at the very center of life in the kingdom. Mark this: Unless you accept God’s kingdom in the simplicity of a child, you’ll never get in. ’Then, gathering the children up in His arms, he laid His hands of blessing on them.” Mark 10:14-16 (The Message)
1. What observations can you make from these verses about introducing our children to Christ?
We have done lots of things to help our kids learn about Christ. I especially have to give credit to Leanne who has been an incredibly diligent teacher. Starting to read Bible stories to your kids at bedtime or at mealtimes is a good starting point. Using the holidays (like Easter and Christmas), talk to your kids about the “real” meanings as they relate following Christ. Taking your kids to church seems obvious but many parents miss the boat on this. Our kids have learned a lot by being part of age appropriate Bible teaching. Finally, it’s important as parents to available to our kids. They need to know that they can come to us when they have questions. If you don’t know the answers to their questions, you can investigate and learn together.
2. What things have you done in your own home to encourage your children to get to know Christ?
3. What questions do you have when it comes to introducing your kids to Christ?
4. Reflecting on the past 8 weeks, what things do you have to be thankful for and what things would you appreciate prayer for specifically when it comes to parenting? Take time to pray together as a group.
Supernanny Parenting Discussion Guide – Week 7 (Discipline – Methods)
Week 7 – Methods of Discipline
Icebreaker Question: Looking back on the past six or seven weeks, what is one positive change that has happened at your home as a result of this series?
It is amazing how things can positively change when we put our minds to certain things. The past six or seven weeks we’ve been focusing on how we can be better parents for our kids. When Leanne and I first did this series with our group I was amazed at how excited our kids were to make some basic changes in our own home. For example, we still have the schedule on our pantry door. Our family uses this to help prioritize our hectic schedules especially from 3:30PM until bedtime. The “Stolpe Family Schedule” has helped tremendous to bring order out of the chaos that was happening as our children arrived home from school everyday. I think another benefit of this series is the renewed focus on teamwork as a family and as a couple. Leanne and I are on the same page more often than not. And the kids are seeing a united front. Hopefully, your family has been positively impacted as well.
When we think about ways in which we were disciplined as kids, we recall memories of soap in the mouth, belts, spankings, timeouts, being grounded, writing lines, etc. Jo Frost (Supernanny) has used some of the following in her approach to discipline: The Naughty Step, The Naughty Mat, The Naughty Corner, The Naughty Room, The Naughty Chair, etc. This week, we will talk about how we discipline our children. Hopefully, the discussion will give you a fresh perspective as you aim to teach your child to make good choices.
Here are some of the key points for this week’s conversation:
– Discipline is NOT meant to harm our children, but to help them make good choices in the future.
– When we discipline our children, the punishment should fit the age of the child and the “crime.”
– Sometimes living with the consequences of their actions is the appropriate discipline for an inappropriate action by our children.
– Consistency is critical.
– Through discipline, we have an opportunity to teach our kids about God’s grace.
This week we’ll continue our focus on discipline. As we watch the Supernanny DVD clips together, pay attention to the methods that Jo Frost equips the families with for carrying out discipline.
Note to leader: Show the following clips from the Supernanny Season 1 DVD: The Weston Family DVD Disc 2: 0:44-2:53, 3:37-5:29, 6:35-8:14, 16:42-20:40, 23:20-24:20, 32:54-33:56, and 35:08-38:07. You may choose to show all the clips at once or you may decide to stop the DVD after each clip and discuss the answer to question one or pull out key points as you go.
1. What observations can you make from the DVD clips that relate to how we discipline our children?
If I haven’t said it before, I’m very thankful for my own parents. In my opinion (as an adult parent), I think they did an excellent job especially when it came to discipline. When I was young, they used timely appropriate spankings to help me to understand the errors of my ways. I am not scarred in any way. As I grew older in my elementary school days, I was grounded a few times for disobeying or going outside the boundaries that my parents had set for me. As I moved into my teenage years, more often than not, I was left with the consequences of my own actions. For example, I know I paid for the replacement of several windows when I carelessly broke the windows doing something I should not have been doing. At each stage, the discipline was appropriate to my age and to the crime.
2. How were you disciplined as a child?
One thing that we have found to be important in our families discipline process it the end conversation. We ask our kids to apologize specifically for their infraction. We also extend forgiveness to our children. They need to understand the importance of forgiveness and grace. These are both things that we as parents have the privilege of modeling for our kids.
3. What has worked (or not worked) for you as a parent when it comes to discipline?
4. Read the following verses from the Bible. What do these say about how we should discipline our children?
Proverbs 16:21
21 The wise in heart are called discerning, and gracious words promote instruction.
Proverbs 16:23
23 The hearts of the wise make their mouths prudent, and their lips promote instruction.
Ephesians 6:1-3
1 Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. 2 “Honor your father and mother”—which is the first commandment with a promise— 3 “so that it may go well with you and that you may enjoy long life on the earth.”
5. List one or two things that you will do differently or that you will try as a result of our discussion on the methods of discipline.
Take Home Activity: This week, there are two “homework” assignments. You can do both if you’re ambitious. If you have time for just one of these, I would recommend the first activity (Faith Fall) for families with older children (1st or 2nd grade and older) and the second activity (Red Light, Green Light) for families with younger children. Have fun!
Activity 1: Faith Fall
Point: You can trust God even when something seems scary or does not make much sense.
Supplies: You’ll need a chair and a Bible.
Get down on your knees next to a chair. While standing, have your child hold onto a chair with their back towards you. Ask them, “Do you trust me?” Let them respond. Ask them again, “Do you really trust me?” Let them respond. Ask them one more time, “Do you trust me with your life?” Let them respond (hopefully it’s an affirmative response. Now tell them, “Then let go and I’ll catch you.”
Question:
– How did you feel when I asked you to let go of the chair?
– Why did you think that you could trust me not to drop you?
Read Proverbs 3:5-6 together, then tell your child, “Just as you can trust me to catch you, you can trust God – even when something seems scary or does not make much sense. God cares enough to catch His kids, and He’s strong enough to hold on to us.”
Activity 2 : Red Light, Green Light
Point: Following directions is important. (This may be a better activity for the younger kids.)
In a big room, your yard, or in an open field, play the old game of red light, green light with your kids. Take turns being the traffic light. Everyone starts at one end of the room or other open space. When the “traffic light” yells “Green Light”, everyone starts moving the other way. When they proclaim “Red Light”, everyone must stop right where they are. If they don’t stop, you can send them back to the beginning or send them back three or four steps.
After the game is over, ask these questions,
Question:
– Why is it important to obey the traffic lights when mom or dad is driving?
– Why is it important for you to follow the directions that mom or dad give you?
Next week’s topic: Introducing Your Kids to Christ
Chazown by Craig Groeschel
Chazown (pronounced Khaw-ZONE) means dream, revelation, or vision.
Here’s the deal with this book by Craig Groeschel. The book is fantastic! But here’s the kicker, do not pick up this book if you are not up for a challenge, if you are not up for changing the way you look at things in your life, and if you are just looking for a casual read. Sure, you can read through Chazown pretty quickly thanks to Groeschel’s easy to read writing. But if you really read this book for all it’s worth, it will quickly turn into one of the most challenging books you’ve ever read.
In Chazown, Groeschel utilizes a “Choose Your Own Adventure” style to walk you through a path to find your Chazown – God’s vision for your life. And he leads you to take steps to make your Chazown a reality in your life. If you read this book, make sure you have a journal, make sure you have someone or some people who can hold you accountable to the commitments you make as a result of reading this book, and make sure you’re ready for life change.
If you’d like to learn more about Chazown, I’d recommend that you check out the website that was designed to help you discover and master your Chazown – www.chazown.com.
I recommend this book.
I received this book for free from WaterBrook Multnomah Publishing Group for this review.Supernanny Parenting Discussion Guide – Week 6 (Discipline – Purpose)
Week 6 – Purpose for Discipline
Icebreaker Question: In what area(s) are you disciplined? In what area(s) could you use more discipline?
I am someone who doesn’t enjoy change. On top of that, I’m fairly disciplined about most things in my life. For example, I’m pretty disciplined about my workout routine. While training for two different marathons, I followed an 18-week written schedule, and I documented my progress on a spreadsheet. For the most part, I stayed on track throughout the entire four months of training. On the other hand, I would like to be more consistent in my prayer life. It seems easy to pray at meal times and dinner times; however, I seem to fall short the rest of the day despite the scripture that calls for us to pray without ceasing (I Thessalonians 5:17).
The topic of discipline is multifaceted. We often talk about living a disciplined life (“When it comes to working out, that guy is sure disciplined”). In this session, we will talk about the reasons we discipline our children. We’ll leave the discussion related to methods for discipline for our next meeting. As we delve into this subject, there are a few things to keep in mind. First, we discipline our children because we love them (not because we want to be mean). Second, God has placed us in a position of authority to help protect and guide our children while giving them clear and safe boundaries.
to discipline
– To train someone by instruction and practice.
– To teach someone to obey authority.
– To punish someone in order to gain control.
– To impose order on someone.
Taken from: http://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/discipline
The Supernanny DVD clips this week along with previous weeks will provide a platform to begin our two-week discussion on discipline. As we watch the clips together, pay specific attention to the reasons kids are disciplines. Sit back and get ready for a lively discussion.
Note to leader: Show the following clips from the Supernanny Season 1 DVD: The Bailey Family Episode DVD Disc 2: 0:57-5:20, 9:05-10:03, 13:54-15:32, 17:03-23:35, and 35:14-39:45. You may choose to show all the clips at once or you may decide to stop the DVD after each clip and discuss the answer to question one or pull out key points as you go.
1. What observations can you make from the DVD clips that relate to why we discipline our children?
2. What are some of our excuses for not disciplining our children? How does disciplining our children show love for them?
3. Read the following verses from the Bible. What do these say about the purpose of discipline?
Hebrews 12:5-1
5 And have you completely forgotten this word of encouragement that addresses you as children? It says, “My son, do not make light of the Lord’s discipline, and do not lose heart when he rebukes you, 6 because the Lord disciplines those he loves, and he chastens everyone he accepts as his child.”
7 Endure hardship as discipline; God is treating you as his children. For what children are not disciplined by their father? 8 If you are not disciplined—and everyone undergoes discipline—then you are not legitimate children at all. 9 Moreover, we have all had parents who disciplined us and we respected them for it. How much more should we submit to the Father of spirits and live! 10 Our parents disciplined us for a little while as they thought best; but God disciplines us for our good, that we may share in his holiness. 11 No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.
Proverbs 6:20-23
20 My son, keep your father’s command and do not forsake your mother’s teaching. 21 Bind them always on your heart; fasten them around your neck. 22 When you walk, they will guide you; when you sleep, they will watch over you; when you awake, they will speak to you. 23 For this command is a lamp, this teaching is a light, and correction and instruction are the way to life,
4. List one or two things that you will do differently or that you will try as a result of our discussion on the purpose for discipline.
Take Home Activity: This may be one of the toughest homework assignments for many families. Between now and the next meeting commit to keep the TV turned off at your home. Use the time to play games, read, and spend time together. Also, take time to relate this activity to being disciplined. It takes discipline to turn the TV off sometimes. Come to the next meeting prepared to share how it went at your house. What was the initial reaction? How did you spend your time? What was the hardest part of this assignment?
Next week’s topic: Methods of Discipline
Looking Ahead: Week 8 – Introducing Your Kids to Christ
Supernanny Parenting Discussion Guide – Week 5 (Siblings)
Week 5 – Handling Sibling Differences
Icebreaker Question: How are you different from your siblings? How are you the same?
I love my brothers. I have two younger brothers and we are certainly different. My brother David is an adventurer. He loves to press the limits and blaze new trails both outdoors and in his work. He is much more outspoken than me. I’m not so adventurous, and I tend to hold in my thoughts. My other brother Erik is somewhat like an only child in that he came along quite a while after David and me. He is an incredible artist. I admire his musical talent and his poetic mind. While I wasn’t half bad on the saxophone in my day, I don’t hold a candle to my brother when it comes to musical talent. I also don’t have the poetic cleverness of my brother. On the other hand, we are all brothers who look and sound the same for the most part. We are also bonded together by our family of faith. I am extremely proud of my brothers and I’m glad we’re different.
It is quite obvious that our kids are not the same. They do things differently. They respond to their parents differently. They are gifted in different ways. So how do we handle the blessing of these differences in our children? We will explore this topic as we dive into this session’s conversation.
Some of the differences between siblings is based on gender. Some differences are probably based on birth order (see the quote below) or age. In general, siblings are different, because God made them each unique.
“The difference that is evident in kids’ lives between the first-born child [and] the second-born child in the family, you can almost guarantee they’re going to be the opposite. As we go down the family branch we see that each child branches off in a very unique way … There’s hard research to substantiate there is something to birth order … We find that people in certain occupational areas and expertise in life, such as architecture, accounting, engineering, those structured occupations tend to be first-born children. As we go through the family constellation and go through second children, youngest children, we find that people go into much more people-oriented vocations.” – Kevin Leman (author of The Birth Order Book)
As we dive into this week’s session of handling sibling differences, the Supernanny DVD clips will demonstrate some of the ways our children are different from each other. These DVD segments should provide a spring-board for our conversation.
Note to leader: Show the following clips from the Supernanny Season 1 DVD: Use The Wischmeyer Family Episode DVD Disc 1: 6:30-8:51, 12:41-13:45, 19:48-20:47, and 25:24-26:37. You may choose to show all the clips at once or you may decide to stop the DVD after each clip and discuss the answer to question one or pull out key points as you go.
1. What observations can you make from the DVD clips that relate to handling sibling differences?
Leanne and I have been blessed with two children. Our oldest (a daughter) is a real go-getter. She is self motivated and very independent. She is a gifted leader. Our youngest (a son) is much more of a follower. He is a helper. Our son is a talented piano player. I’m so thankful that God gave us two different kids. Each of our kids responds differently to our attention, to our correction, and to our discipline. We have learned that while one thing might work for our daughter, it won’t work for our son and vice versa. This certainly means that we have to be on our toes at all times.
2. How are your own children different? What is one of the gifts/talents that your child has that is different from their sibling(s)? How does each of your children respond that’s different from the other(s)?
3. How do you handle these differences at your house? How do you make each child feel special and unique?
Part of the differences we see in our kids leads to sibling rivalry and conflict between each other. Here are a few tips that could help parents who are wrestling with sibling conflict. Talk through these four steps together as a group.
1. Don’t make comparisons. (“I don’t understand it. When Johnny was her age, he could already tie his shoes.”) Each child feels he is unique and rightly so-he is unique, and he resents being evaluated only in relation to someone else. Instead of comparison, each child in the family should be given his own goals and levels of expectation that relate only to him.
2. Don’t dismiss or suppress your children’s resentment or angry feelings. Contrary to what many people think, anger is not something we should try to avoid at all costs. It’s an entirely normal part of being human, and it’s certainly normal for siblings to get furious with one another. They need the adults in their lives to assure them that mothers and fathers get angry, too, but have learned control and that angry feelings do not give license to behave in cruel and dangerous ways. This is the time to sit down, acknowledge the anger (“I know you hate David right now but you cannot hit him with a stick”). and talk it through.
3. Try to avoid situations that promote guilt in siblings. First we must teach children that feelings and actions are not synonymous. It may be normal to want to hit the baby on the head, but parents must stop a child from doing it. The guilt that follows doing something mean is a lot worse than the guilt of merely feeling mean. So parental intervention must be quick and decisive.
4. When possible, let brothers and sisters settle their own differences. Sounds good but it can be terribly unfair in practice. Parents have to judge when it is time to step in and mediate, especially in a contest of unequals in terms of strength and eloquence (no fair hitting below the belt literally or figuratively). Some long-lasting grudges among grown siblings have resulted when their minority rights were not protected.
Taken from: http://www.childdevelopmentinfo.com/parenting/sibling_rivalry.shtml
4. Read the following verse from the Bible and quote. What do these say about sibling differences and what does this mean for our own families?
James 2:1
1 My brothers and sisters, believers in our glorious Lord Jesus Christ must not show favoritism.
“Comparison is a death knell to sibling harmony.” – Elizabeth Fischel
5. List one or two things that you will do differently or that you will try as a result of our discussion on handling sibling differences.
Take Home Activity: Allow each child in your family to pick out a family fun activity that can be completed in an evening or as part of a family weekend adventure. Here are some ideas that may get you started if you’re stuck: go to the movies, play a game, go on a hike or bike ride, go out for ice cream, etc. After you’ve completed this for each child in your family, talk together about the different things that you did. You can tie this into our discussion by talking about how God has made each of your children differently. There are some things that we all like to do, but there are probably other things that one family member may enjoy or appreciate more than the rest. This could be a great chance to celebrate the differences that exist in your family.
Next week’s topic: Purpose for Discipline
Looking Ahead: Week 7 – Methods of Discipline, Week 8 – Introducing Your Kids to Christ
Second Chances
[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Yr94zStsk8E&feature=player_embedded]I resonate so much with this commercial. I’m so thankful for second chances and for people who help me get back up. Thank you!
2 Questions – How Would You Answer?
As I continue through Chazown by Craig Groeschel, I definitely have felt encouraged, inspired, and challenged. I’ll sum up my overall comments when I finish reading the book, but for now I’m pondering two questions that are posed in the middle of the book:
Question #1: If money were no object and you could do anything you wanted for the rest of your life, what would you do?
Question #2: Besides loving, caring for, and ministering to those who are most important to you, what is the number one thing that you believe God wants to accomplish through you?
These are pretty big questions. How would you answer them?
Plan Your Epitaph
I’m in the process of reading Chazown by Craig Groeschel, and I just finished Part I. At the end of this section he encourages the reader to finish six statements. “Forget the past, because you can’t change it. During those final days (of your life), how do you want to be able to finish the following statements?” I thought I throw out my initial responses to these statements here (but to be honest I have more pondering to do to fully finish these completely). I also thought it would be challenging for you to consider these as well. I’d love to hear how you would finish these statements.
1. The thing that was most important to me was…
God (first) and my family (second).
2. People say I stood for…
loyalty, integrity, Christ, and community.
3. I made a difference in my world by…
setting an example for my own family and other families and by pointing others to Christ.
4. God was glorified because I…
followed Him and led out loud in my home, in my job, in my community, and in my church.
5. People knew I loved them because…
I listened to them.
6. The reason I expect God to say “well done” is…
(tough one) I stuck with it through thick and thin. I stayed true to Him. I trusted in Him. I lived to help others find Him.
Supernanny Parenting Discussion Guide – Week 4 (Boundaries)
Week 4 – Establishing Appropriate Boundaries
Icebreaker Question: Where is the farthest place that you have ever traveled from your home?
I have learned to enjoy exploring and experiencing new places. At press time, I believe that I have visited 36 of the 50 states, and I have traveled to three other countries. Honolulu, Hawaii is probably the place I’ve visited that is furthest from my home. However, my two trips to France are probably where I felt the furthest from home. When you’re not familiar with the location, the language, the currency, and the culture, it can feel like you’ve traveled to another planet.
The higher speed and relatively lower cost of travel have made it easier to travel away from the boundaries of our home town.
As parents, our responsibility is it to set up appropriate boundaries for our children. These boundaries are meant to keep our kids safe, to protect property, to prevent psychological damage, and to promote respect for others. Boundaries provide children with a secure framework in which they can grow. As our kids get older, we allow these boundaries to expand. Hopefully, by the time we release our children from our care, they will be better prepared to set up their own boundaries.
boundary – The dividing line or location between two areas.
As defined at: http://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/boundary
This week we’re talking about establishing appropriate boundaries. The Supernanny DVD clips this week give some ideas for creating boundaries related to safety, health, and family togetherness. Kids are not designed to run around without boundaries. The novel Lord of the Flies by William Golding provides a glimpse into what might happen with our kids if they were left without clear limits. In this book, several 6 to 12 year olds turn to barbarism when they are stranded without adult supervision on a deserted island. While this is just a story, it does remind us that we have an important role in our kids’ lives. We are responsible for setting boundaries for our kids that will keep them safe and will help them grow into responsible adults.
Note to leader: Show the following clips from the Supernanny Season 1 DVD: The Riries Family Episode DVD Disc 2: 0:54-2:38, 3:46-5:18, 6:03-10:15, 11:42-13:10, 16:25-25:45, and 36:54-40:02. You may choose to show all the clips at once or you may decide to stop the DVD after each clip and discuss the answer to question one or pull out key points as you go.
1. What observations can you make from the DVD clips that relate to establishing appropriate boundaries?
Different boundaries are required based on the age and development of your child. When children are toddlers, you may need to set boundaries so they don’t wander into the street or down the stairs. As they approach preschool and elementary school, kids need to know who they should and shouldn’t talk to – “Don’t talk to strangers.” As they continue to get older they will need monitoring related to their computer/internet use and their television/movie viewing. There are many different types of boundaries to consider.
2. What are some of the boundaries that you have set up for your children?
3. How do you determine what boundaries to put into place in your home?
Setting limits is another way to look at setting boundaries. Limits are not a negative thing. For example, I need to set limits on the amount of food that I consume. I like ice cream, but if I eat too much ice cream, my cholesterol will get even higher, my weight will increase, and my overall all health will deteriorate. The notes below provide some interesting things to consider when setting up limits.
Limit Your Limits
Limits must reflect your deeply held values. This conviction is what you draw on every time the limit is broken/tested, and you must enforce it. Children respond to limits that are real priorities for parents. Reduce the number of limits to the ones that really count. Limiting behavior that harms others or is deliberate disobedience is important at any age.
Set Reasonable Limits
What are reasonable limits? Reasonable means limits that allow a child to succeed. Parents are in the best position to determine “reasonable.” Tune in to the child’s individual personality and needs. Some limits are unreasonable because they are not humanly possible. Expecting too much can lower self-esteem and cause stress in your child. The child may become angry with him/herself for failing, or he/she may give up even trying. The child may also become angry and more defiant. Either way, if a child can not be good at succeeding, he/she is going to be tempted to be good at failing.
Clear and Positive
Children know what we expect of them only when we tell them in clear terms. Limits tell children what to do and how well it should be done (the standard). Make sure you have their attention. Children who understand the limits are much more likely to assume responsibility for their actions.
Consistent
Limits should not change from day-to-day or setting to setting. Inconsistently enforced limits are very confusing to children. Parents should discuss and agree on limits before they are presented to the children so there is a consistent response. This discussion and a consistent response will eliminate the, “well, mom always lets me do that when you aren’t here.” If children receive mixed messages about limits, they will test the limits more often.
Adapting
Many limits continue from year to year. Expecting children to treat one another’s possessions carefully is a reasonable limit at any age. Other limits should be changed as children grow older. Yet knowing when to make these changes and explaining them to children can be a difficult challenge for parents. Fortunately, the parents’ skills at setting limits improves with practice.
Input
Your children often have wonderful ideas and opinions about limits. By involving them in “limit discussions,” parents are more likely to gain their children’s cooperation in meeting the limit. “Discussions” do not always mean agreement. For some limits, there is no appeal process regardless of the child’s protests.
Whys
Explain the “why” behind the limit. Can a child verbalize the reason for the limit? Explanations make sense only if the limits are reasonable, clear, positive, enforceable, and very dear to values and convictions. If children
understand the whys, they are more likely to accept them.
Enforceable
Children are going to “try” the limit, and parents must be willing to stand tough. In testing the limit, children are testing parental commitment to their word. Children want their parents to love them enough to stand up for their deepest beliefs consistently.
Charles A. Smith, Extension specialist from Kansas State University, shares these ideas for responsive discipline from The Discipline Toolbox that might be helpful in practicing the keys to effective limits.
Taken from: http://ohioline.osu.edu/hyg-fact/5000/5317.html
4. Read the following verses from the Bible. What do they say about this topic and how can we apply them in our families?
Deuteronomy 28:1-2
1 If you fully obey the LORD your God and carefully follow all his commands I give you today, the LORD your God will set you high above all the nations on earth. 2 All these blessings will come on you and accompany you if you obey the LORD your God.
Philippians 2:3-4
3 Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, 4 not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others.
5. List one or two things that you will do differently or that you will try as a result of our discussion on establishing appropriate boundaries.
Take Home Activity: Draw a map of your neighborhood and of your home. Use different colors to represent places that are safe and places that are off-limits. Use RED markers or crayons to indicate areas that are completely off-limits. Use GREEN markers or crayons to indicate areas that are safe. And use ORANGE markers to indicate areas that require parental support/escort.
For example, you might color the kitchen, bedrooms, and bathrooms with a GREEN marker to indicate that they are safe. You might color the computer, television, and pantry ORANGE indicating that parental support is required. Finally, you might color the street or the tool shed RED to show that the kids are not allowed in these areas no matter what.
Allow your kids to get in on the discussion related to this mapping. Make sure that they feel like contributors to the process. Help them to understand why certain areas need to be off-limits.
Finally, bring your map to next week’s session. Have fun!
Note to leader: If time and resources permit, pick up poster board along with red, orange, and green markers to pass out to each family.
Next week’s topic: Handling Sibling Differences
Looking Ahead: Week 6 – Purpose for Discipline, Week 7 – Methods of Discipline, Week 8 – Introducing Your Kids to Christ