Say What You Need To Say

Last year at this time, I was in the Chicago area for implementation training and brainstorming for a new company initiative. I haven’t been out to our home office for a few years and to be honest I wasn’t crazy about leaving my wife and kids for the better part of a week.

The time at the Chicago area office went very well, but the highlight of the trip was my visit with my Grandma Stolpe. Grandma will turn 93 in early April. The last few years, her health hasn’t been great. Many in my family wondered if she would make it past the Christmas holidays.

It had been a few years since we last visited in person, so it was real special when I walked through the doors of the nursing home where she lives and I saw her waiting for me to arrive. We ate dinner together in their cafeteria, and we visited for a while back in her room. Though it had been three and a half years since our last face-to-face visit, it seemed like we just saw each other last week.

My Aunt Elaine and Uncle Max stopped by for the last hour of our visit. We talked more and shared details about our families. We also talked about memories and family traditions.

A few times, Grandma mentioned that she was ready for heaven whenever God decided it was time. She expressed hope that it wouldn’t be much longer. It was clear that she was content with the life she had lived and hopeful for the future in heaven.

I will remember a few details about this visit: Grandma’s Bible on her nightstand, her family tree of pictures on the wall above her bed, her thoughts on the economy and politics, and her joy in spending time with me (her oldest grandson).

I don’t know when or if I will see Grandma again on this side of eternity. As we said our goodbyes (which took a while), I hugged Grandma, and I told her I loved her. She reciprocated as only a small 91-year-old women could with a broken arm. She said, “I love you too, Jon. Thank you so much for the visit.”

As I walked to my car, I sniffled a bit. I’m not sure I’ll have that chance again. The visit was great – and the goodbye was perfect whether it was the last or not.

Driving back to my hotel that night, I heard the song “Say What You Need to Say” by John Mayer. The song talks about saying what needs to be said – not regretting holding back – making sure things are right with our loved ones and that we express our love, appreciation, and respect for each other.

I said what I needed to say.

Is everything good between you and your family and friends or is there something you need to say?  What do you need to say?  To whom do you need to say it?

Love Works Wednesday Link Up Week 4 – Trusting

Last week, I continued a Wednesday series based on Love Works by Joel Manby.  (Click here to read my first post in this series, click here to read the second week’s post based on Patient Leadership, and click here to read last week’s post which focuses on Kind Leadership).  A blogging friend of mine, Bill Grandi (The Cycleguy), recently challenged readers to consider linking up with him for several weeks with posts related to this excellent leadership book.  To read Bill’s introductory post for this series, click here. And to read his post from last two weeks, click here and here.

For today, Bill and I (and anyone else who’s linking up with us) will be posting about the fifth chapter (Trusting:  Place Confidence In Someone).  Check out Bill’s take by clicking here.

Manby’s premise is that leadership is best when it comes from a position of agape love based on I Corinthians 13.  Since I already read the book, I thought it would be interesting to highlight some of the sentences I underlined when I read the book initially:

• “When you don’t listen to others, it sends them a very negative and unflattering message.” (p. 72)
• “Interrupting is a sign of distrust.” (p. 73)
• “1. Don’t say, ‘I understand how you feel, but …’  2. Instead summarize what you heard.  3. If you go in a different direction, articulate why.”  (p. 73-74).
• “Listening well is critical because it demonstrates trust and builds a team’s sense of camaraderie and cohesion.”  (p. 74)
• “One of the best ways a leader can demonstrate trust and respect is to listen to and involve team members in the decisions that affect them.”  (p. 76)
• “If we want our organizations to display trust and respect, we need to make sure everyone is involved in the decisions that affect them.  The best decisions are always made with, not for, and showing that kind of trust is a true attribute of leading with love.”  (p. 78)
• “Let others make the decisions for which they are responsible.”  (p. 84)
• “Avoid overruling decisions that have been made.”  (p. 85)

Trusting our teams and listening to our teams can be a real challenge.  I experience that as a leader at my job and as a leader in my home.  It’s easy to fall into the trap of doing things myself, because I know it will be done right.  It’s also easy to fall into the mode of a benevolent dictator – “I’ll make the decisions.  You’ll listen and follow.  End of discussion.”  This is completely contrary to what Manby suggests in today’s reading, and it doesn’t show team members that we are confident in them.

A trusting leader must learn to involve others in decisions and must listen to team members.  When I say listen, I don’t mean just let them speak.  I mean really listen and digest what them.  How will team members know that you’re listening?  They’ll know by our actions.  Here are seven ways to improve your listening skills:

1. Get rid of distractions.  At home, turn off the television and the music.  At the office, get away from the computer, and go into a closed office if necessary.
2. Shut your mouth and open your ears.  You can’t listen when your mouth is moving.  In the first chapter of James, it says to “be quick to listen, slow to speak….”
3. Take notes.  Taking notes helps you remember what is shared in the conversation.
4. Restate what was shared to check for understanding.  “This is what I heard you say….  Do I understand you correctly?”
5. Follow through with action.  Assuming the idea or comment is valid, take action to address what was shared.
6. Follow-up with your team member.  After taking action, follow-up with your team member to make sure they know their concern has been addressed and to make sure it has been addressed appropriately.
7. Repeat.  This is not a one time event.  It must happen over and over and over again.  Trust will develop over time if our team members know we are really listening.

I don’t know about you, but I know this is something I need to work on with my team.  I want my team to know that they are trusted, and I want them to know that I’m confident in their ability to do their jobs.  This starts with listening well.

Over the next five weeks, Bill and I will continue to explore love based leadership.  I hope you’ll read along, jump into the comments, and maybe even change the way you lead.  Until then, consider getting a copy of Love Works for yourself, and see how this book might change you and your leadership.

What is one thing you can do differently this week to become a more trusting leader?  How have you been led with trust and love-based leadership?  What other suggestions do you have for improving your listening skills?

In The Streets of Xenacoj – Guatemala

When I close my eyes, I can see the streets of Xenacoj.  The streets in this small Guatemalan village are made of concrete.  They are sometimes empty, but there often filled with the hustle and bustle of activity.

Stray dogs walk against the walls of the homes that outline the streets.

Horses are guided from one place to the next carrying large bundles of wood.

Women carrying baskets on their heads move around the streets.  The baskets are filled with fabric and food.  Meanwhile many of the women are also carrying a little child in a sling.

Every once in a while, a drunk man is sitting on the corner – delirious to other pedestrians.

Children walk the streets in groups of 3 or 4.  They laugh and make up games as they hang out together.

Motorcycles occasionally roll past.  Buses motor by with passengers being transported to and from other nearby villages.

Paid armed men stand guard at the front of various stores than are scattered on each street.

Most of the walls are bare concrete.  Some are whitewashed with lime and water.  Political signs are painted on the walls.  Any windows that are right on the street are protected with metal bars.  Convenience stores are located on every block.

The streets are a collage of color and community.

I’ll always remember trying to get from one end of the village to another spot in the village as we were installing stoves in the homes of widows throughout the community.  As I walked with a group of four students, we were stopped by local emergency personnel.  They informed us that there was a swarm of stinging bugs between us and our destination.  We waited for nearly twenty minutes in hopes that the swarm would dissipate.  Finally, we determined to make it to the next home.  The police officer cleared us to go, and we took off quickly down the street.  About half-way to the home, we encountered hundreds of giant black wasp-like insects flying all around us.  I knew we needed to keep moving.  Despite the fact the a couple of these insects landed on us, we miraculously made it past the swarm without a single sting.

This summer, our family will be returning to the streets of Xenacoj where we will have the opportunity to serve the community alongside GO! Ministries and others.  I’m looking forward to walking along these familiar streets.  I’m looking forward to seeing the sights and hearing the sounds.  And most of all, I’m looking forward to seeing the people and interacting with them in the streets of Xenacoj.

To find out how you can help the people who walk these streets every day, click here.

What is it like on your street?  What is your favorite thing about your street?  What would we see if we walked on your street today?

Stretching More Than My Legs – Guest Post by Denise Long

Today, I am honored to share a guest post by Denise Long.  Denise and I met very recently through the Blogging Your Passion Google+ Community.  You can read more about Denise in the post and bio below.  I’m always looking for other guest bloggers to share their STRETCH stories here on The Stretched Blog.  If you’re interested in guest posting leave a comment.

Stretching More Than My Legs

Jon, thanks so much for allowing me to stop by!  I love this concept of stretching.  All my life I’ve sought to stretch my life.  Ever since I was a teenager (many, many moons ago), I have set some uncomfortable goals and ran after them hard.  I learned many lessons from these efforts.  Like, some goals simply fall under the “tilting at windmills” category.  Others add immeasurable richness to life, even if you never fully attain the hoped-for results.  But the most important observation has been that the goals that have fallen within God’s perfect plan for how I am to live my life are the most satisfying and fulfilling.   God-sanctioned goals clearly give the biggest bang for your buck.

Over at my blog, A Disneyfied Life, I speak about using my love of Disney to help me reach my fitness and healthy lifestyle goals.  In short, I’m a 53-year old, Pooh-sized Mom with enough physical limitations to think that running a 5K is tilting at one Goliath-sized windmill.  So when you combine my love of Walt Disney World with the runDisney Expedition Everest 5K Challenge, that gigantic windmill shrinks a bit.  But as much as I love the motivation Disney offers, I know where my true strength lies.

O God, thou art terrible out of thy holy places: the God of Israel is he that giveth strength and power unto his people.  Blessed be God. 

Psalm 68:35

I believe that God wants us to live our best life here on this earth so we can more effectively implement the plans He has for us.  And I know for a fact that I am not living my best life if my energy reserves are depleted before noon and lifestyle-based diseases like high blood pressure and high cholesterol bench me from any sort of active ministry He would like to move me into.  God wants more for me, so I should want more for myself.  And if our bodies are His temple, I feel certain He is not pleased when I abuse it through overeating and an overly sedentary life style.

Know ye not that ye are the temple of God and that the Spirit of God dwelleth in you?  If any man defile the temple of God, him shall God destroy; for the temple of God is holy, which temple ye are.

I Corinthians 3:16-17

For the drunkard and the glutton shall come to poverty; and drowsiness shall clothe a man with rags.

Proverbs 23:21

Since my laziness and lack of control directly hurts no one but myself, it’s easier to sweep this sin under the kitchen rug.  So for this and many other reasons, I have committed to run Disney’s Expedition Everest 5K Challenge on May 4, 2013.  And just so you understand how much of a stretch this is for me, I’m 53 years old, have about 100 lbs to lose, and I have had three knee surgeries back in the day. Oh– and I’m flat-footed.  And I hate to sweat.

Things have not been easy, but since I began this journey on January 2, 2013, I have lost seven pounds and have consistently put my treadmill to use three times a week in accordance with my sensible training plan.  And while I wrestle daily with the most inane choices (do I really need cheese on that sandwich?), I have a spring in my step and a song of praise on my lips.  And on the darker days when I’m haunted by past failures and battle a sense of helplessness, I remember that God isn’t finished with me yet and he never leaves me or forsakes me.  I’m not running along this path all by my lonesome.

How about you?  Have you stretched yourself by “healthifying” your lifestyle?  Any verses you’ve used to encourage yourself along the way?

Denise is a wife, mom, legal assistant—but most of all a follower of the Christ who should have nothing to do with her, but who chooses to walk with her daily.  An incurable Disney World fanatic, Denise’s blog, A Disneyfied Life, recounts her training escapades as she works toward Disney’s Expedition Everest 5K Challenge and celebrates a disneyfied life.

Marcus Tullius Cicero Quote

John Wayne Quote

What have you learned from your past that give you hope for the future?

In the movie Groundhog Day, Bill Murray’s character keeps repeating the same day over and over again.  Initially, it drives him crazy.  But then he starts to learn from the repeated day before to make the next repeated day better.

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tSVeDx9fk60]

January 2013 Top Posts and Commenters

It’s been another unbelievable month here on The Stretched Blog.  Traffic was at an all time high and increased 25.2% over last month’s previous record high month.  More than the numbers, it has been exciting to see the engagement that has been taking place in the comments.  There have been many new people who have contributed to the daily conversations.  Thank you to each of you for diving into The Stretched Community.

Here are the top 10 posts for the month:

1. CRASH! Accidents Happen – And God Still Shows Up (157) January 2, 2013
2. Ten Reasons To Attend FamilyLife Weekend To Remember (156) February 27, 2012
3. Top 10 Best Things About Being A Seeing Eye Puppy (139) January 28, 2013
4. Another Leap of Faith (87) January 7, 2013
5. Michelangelo Quote (86) November 18, 2012
6. One Word 2013 – Epiphany (85) January 9, 2013
7. Les Miserables – Unmerited Divine Assistance (80) January 17, 2013
8. Ice Breaker – Reading (79) January 25, 2013
9. Ice Breaker – Favorite Childhood Toy (75) January 4, 2013
10. Building Something Bigger Again – The Big Ask (73) January 8, 2013

Here are the top commenters for this month:

• David Paul Stolpe (46)
• Dan Erickson (25)
• Larry Carter (18)
• Bill (cycleguy) (14)
• TCAvey (12)
• TNeal (11)
• David (10)
• Joe Lalonde (9)
• Leah Adams (9)
• Dan Black (8)

Thank you to each of you who have made The Stretched Community what it is today.  I look forward to what lies ahead in February.

If you are a blogger, how was your month of January?  What was your top post?  Share the link here.  Why do you think it was your top post?

Ice Breaker – Listening

Each week on The Stretched Blog, we ask an ice breaker question.  The questions are designed to help us get to know each other here in The Stretched Community.  I’ll provide my answer to the question here in the post, and then you can leave your response in the comments.  While you’re in the comments section, see how others answered the ice breaker question.

Last week, it was reading.  This week, it’s listening.

Question:  What are you listening to these days?

My Answer:  I listen to a lot of podcasts these days.  I listen to the Daily Audio Bible Podcast and The Dave Ramsey Podcast every day.  I also listen to This Is Your Life Podcast by Michael Hyatt, Blogging Your Passion Podcast, and The Relevant Podcast on a regular basis.  There are a few others that I listen to regularly.  Three that I recently listened to for the first time are Todd Liles Podcast, The DadCast, and WordPress Plug-ins from A to Z.  I enjoy listening to music as well.  The kids in the youth group at our church turned me on to Mumford and Sons, and I’ve enjoyed listening to their newest album, Babel.  Phillip Phillips and All Sons and Daughters have also become recent favorites.
[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HoRkntoHkIE]

There you have it – my answer.  Now, it’s your turn.  Answer this week’s ice breaker question by leaving a comment.  I look forward to reading your response!

Be Still and Know – 5 Thoughts On Finding Stillness In A Busy World

My weekday reality often feels like I’m running from one place to the next.  It often seems as though I take little time to be still.  And even when I’m sitting down or laying down to sleep, my mind is in motion.  Yet the Bible clearly calls us to be still and know that He is God.

God is our refuge and strength,
    an ever-present help in trouble.
Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way
    and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea,
though its waters roar and foam
    and the mountains quake with their surging.

There is a river whose streams make glad the city of God,
    the holy place where the Most High dwells.
God is within her, she will not fall;
    God will help her at break of day.
Nations are in uproar, kingdoms fall;
    he lifts his voice, the earth melts.

The Lord Almighty is with us;
    the God of Jacob is our fortress.

Come and see what the Lord has done,
    the desolations he has brought on the earth.
He makes wars cease
    to the ends of the earth.
He breaks the bow and shatters the spear;
    he burns the shields with fire.
He says, “Be still, and know that I am God;
    I will be exalted among the nations,
    I will be exalted in the earth.”

The Lord Almighty is with us;
    the God of Jacob is our fortress.

Psalm 46

Love Works Wednesday Link Up Week 3 – Kind

Last week, I continued a Wednesday series based on Love Works by Joel Manby.  (Click here to read my first post in this series, and click here to read last week’s post based on Patient Leadership).  A blogging friend of mine, Bill Grandi (The Cycleguy), recently challenged readers to consider linking up with him for several weeks with posts related to this excellent leadership book.  To read Bill’s introductory post for this series, click here. And to read his post from last week, click here.

For today, Bill and I (and anyone else who’s linking up with us) will be posting about the fourth chapter (Kind:  Show Encouragement and Enthusiasm).  Check out Bill’s take by clicking here.

If you recall from last week, Manby’s premise is that leadership is best when it comes from a position of agape love based on I Corinthians 13.  Since I already read the book, I thought it would be interesting to highlight some of the sentences I underlined when I read the book initially:

• “Kindness doesn’t mean being nice all the time; leaders must hold people accountable.  However, kindness does mean that encouraging and leading are two sides of the same coin and that words of affirmation and support can be infectiously effective.”  (p. 52)
• “Making someone’s day better is contagious and increases the energy, effectiveness, and productivity in any organization.  Even when leaders feel concern for what lies ahead, we must give off positive impressions and encouragement if we want our teams to thrive.”  (p. 55)
• “’Loyalty today is no longer a function of rote or duty, but rather passion.  You must do things so astonishingly well that customers become not merely loyalists, but rather outright apostles.'” Skip LeFauve – CEO of Saturn (p. 58)
• “’Treat the customer as if it was your own mother buying'” Skip LeFauve (p. 58)
• “Make their day better – not because you have a mushy need to be liked or to be softhearted, but because it works!” (p. 59)
• “The enthusiasm of the guest experience can never rise any higher than the enthusiasm of your own employees.” (p. 60)
• “Kindness is about intentionally creating and maintaining the right environment in your organization so that frontline employees can deliver an enthusiastic guest experience.  Management is kind to employees, employees are kind to customers, and customers are loyal and enthusiastic.”  (p. 60)
• “Kindness isn’t an add-on – it’s a critical component of any well-run organization.”  (p. 61)
• “Money can never buy contentment at home; nor can it buy passion at your job.  Working with an enthusiastic team and being supported by kind, loving coworkers is priceless.”  (p. 64)
• “Spend part of ever day actively encouraging behavior you want to reinforce!”  (p. 66)
• “Kindness in the context of leading with love begins with you – encouragement and enthusiasm start at the top whether you run the local PTA or a Fortune 500 company.”  (p. 67)
• “Being kind starts with you and is a key attribute of leading with love.”  (p. 67)

I don’t know anyone who doesn’t like to be treated with kindness.  Yet, there are so many unkind words and actions exchanged by leaders, co-workers, colleagues, and even customers.  Wouldn’t it be much better if we all practiced the golden rule?  Treating other people the way we would like to be treated is such a simple idea, but it often seems to be forgotten.  Maybe it’s the hustle and bustle of the busy schedules we all keep.  Maybe it’s the scars left by wounds of the past.  Maybe it’s a complete numbness to the reality around us.

Whatever the reason, kindness isn’t put into practice as often as it should.  We run over each other on the way to the next meeting or on our way to the next rung of the corporate ladder.  When will it stop?

Here’s an idea:  It can start TODAY with you and me.  That’s right, whether you hold a leader position or not, you can decide today to be kind to those around you – in your workplace, in your church, or in your home.  Don’t wait for others to be kind first.  It may never happen.  Instead, take a step of kindness today, and watch what happens.  Kindness is contagious. Be the start of something amazing!

Over the next six weeks, Bill and I will continue to explore love based leadership.  I hope you’ll read along, jump into the comments, and maybe even change the way you lead.  Until then, consider getting a copy of Love Works for yourself, and see how this book might change you and your leadership.

What is one thing you can do differently this week to lead people with more kindness and love than before?  How have you been led with kindness and love-based leadership?