How To Handle Conflict In Your Life

I recently discovered myself stuck in the middle of a situation.  I’m generally known to be a good listener, and I think I generally give pretty good advice.  But this is not always a blessing.  Every once in a while I find myself sucked into the vortex of a place I should never be.

My intentions were good when I initially started listening to a friend, but I think I may have gone a little too far when I failed to stop him from telling me about some disagreements he was having between someone else.  I honestly don’t believe he was trying to bring me into the problem.  I think he felt the need to vent and to get some outside perspective and council.

I happen to be good friends with both individuals involved.  And like a coin, there are two sides to every story and every disagreement.  Resolving disputes like this can be a scary proposition.

The Bible lays out pretty clear instructions for those caught in a dispute with their brother.  If you take time to follow these steps you have a much better chance of finding the right outcome for your dispute.

As I was processing this experience in my life, I realized it was a topic previously addressed here on The Stretched Blog.  In a guest post titled Managing Conflict, Frank Chiapperino shared practical advice for handling conflict:

Sometimes as leaders we need to be a guiding presence and help others navigate through conflict. There are times I will have a staff member or another volunteer leader at our church call me and say, “Frank, I need help. There are some members of my team that are at each other’s throats.” For some strange reason they don’t share my joy when I say, “THAT IS GREAT!” When I manage conflict I normally start where many Christian leaders do, following Matthew chapter 18:

15″If your brother sins against you, go and show him his fault, just between the two of you. If he listens to you, you have won your brother over. 16But if he will not listen, take one or two others along, so that ‘every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.’ 17If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church; and if he refuses to listen even to the church, treat him as you would a pagan or a tax collector.

• Go to them privately and confront them on the issue
• If a private discussion doesn’t work take a witness. That means someone who has seen the behavior you are speaking to them about.
• If that doesn’t work attempt to involve church leadership to aid in resolution of the problem.
• If that fails, end the relationship.

That is pretty much what Matthew lays out, and it is sound advice that works. However, I do have a few other guiding principles I follow that aid in confrontation and conflict resolution:

• Be wise with your words. Everything you say in a confrontation will either escalate or de-escalate a conflict. Try to use words and responses that we de-escalate the tension.

• Don’t discuss nameless people. Sometimes people will say, “Someone told me…” If they refuse to use actual names of real people, don’t acknowledge it as a leader in the church. It only leads to pointless discussion because you can’t get the real person behind whatever it is involved.

• If you’re wrong, admit it right away. This is powerful in conflict resolution. Think about it for a minute. How often do you hear people actually admit they are wrong? Not often, it is a real sign of maturity and it will have an immediate affect on the situation.

Frank’s words of wisdom were a welcome reminder for how I should direct my friend who is trying to navigate his conflict.  For the rest of Frank’s post, click here.

What have you learned from handling conflict in your life?

For other related articles, check out:

• Leading Through Conflict
• 6 Ways to Transform Conflict by Michael Hyatt
• When A Story Really Begins by Jeff Goins
• How To Handle Conflict In Leadership by Joe Lalonde

Answers To Your Stretching Questions

On Friday, I asked you to ask me any questions.  Today, I’ll do my best to answer the questions.  This is one of my longer posts, but I hope you’ll find in interesting and perhaps a little humorous.  I’d love to hear your thoughts on my responses to your questions.  Thanks so much to each of you for some wonderful and challenging questions (I may just have to do this again some time).

What would you go back and tell 16 year old you if you could time travel? from Larry Carter at Deuceology

Great question, Larry.  I’d tell myself to buy stock in Apple.  I’d tell 16 year-old Jon Stolpe to be confident in who God made him.  I’d tell me that I am a writer.  I’d tell me not to sweat the girlfriend thing, because God has an unbelievable wife in store for me for the future.  I’d remind me that I am a leader.

Who is your favorite blogger? from Rob Shepherd at robshep.com

This is really a tough one as I follow so many great bloggers.  Perhaps, my favorite is my dad, Norman Stolpe.  My dad is a writer’s writer.  He has been writing for years.  He doesn’t blog regularly though he keeps a blog.  But his weekly sermons have to be considered as some type of blogging.  My dad has inspired me on many different levels when it comes to my writing.  I don’t ever expect to hold a candle to his writing skill, but I hope that my dad will be proud that I’ve followed in his writing footsteps in some small way.

What motivated you to start blogging? from Rob Shepherd at robshep.com

I have a friend, Frank Chiapperino, who was my biggest encouragement to start blogging.  Frank was our adult ministries pastor at the time, and he now pastors his own church in Minnesota.  Frank still blogs fairly regularly about leadership, technology, and small groups.

What verse in the Bible challenges you the most? from Rob Shepherd at robshep.com

Colossians 4:2-6 is one of my favorite verses and probably one of the verses that challenges me the most.  Making the most of every opportunity means so much to me.  I need to make the most in sharing my faith with others.  I need to make the most of the time I have with my friends, family, and co-workers.  I don’t want my time here on earth to be a waste.  I want to hear God say, “Well done, my good and faithful servant.”

Would you rather have spam for hands or mayo for a tongue? from Rob Shepherd at robshep.com

This ones easy for me.  I hate (I strongly dislike) mayo, so I’ve got to go with Spam for hands.  If I had a mayo tongue, I’d be throwing up all the time.

It’s a question I asked on my blog yesterday. If you wrote a cardboard testimony what would it say? from Eileen Knowles at The Scenic Route

“God love me – broken and bruised, impatient and imperfect, STRETCHED!”

Where do you see yourself in 15 years? from Joe Lalonde at jmlalonde.com

In 15 years, I will be 55.  I’ll have two kids in their later twenties, and I will have been married for over 30 years.  I hope to be 100% debt free including the house.  I hope to be giving way more than I’m getting.  I’d love to have written at least one book by that time – though I’m still figuring all that out.  If I stay at my current job (which is definitely a possibility), I will have been there for over 31 years.  I’d like to continue to grow in respect.  I’d like to be known for investing in others like no other leader before me.  I’m not sure if blogging will still exist in 15 years, but I’d like to use my writing as a tool to expand the Kingdom.

As a man of strong religious beliefs, what do you think is in general the greatest challenge today to people who seek to maintain their religious faith? And what is the greatest challenge to maintaining your faith personally?  For example, is it that science has called into question many fundamental beliefs in the Bible? Is it rampant materialism in our society? Is it pressure from the mass media to adopt more secular values? When people who are hypocritical in their religious practice are exposed to the public, is that the greatest challenge to believers? Or is personal hardship and suffering a greater challenge to faith than all of these?  from Michael Shaw at I Love Skippack

Wow, this is a pretty deep question which I may need to explore in more depth in a future post.  My short answer is this: The greatest challenge today to people who seek to maintain their religious faith is the same challenge that has plagued people since the beginning of time.  We are so bent on being in control.  We’re self-centered, sinful creatures.  We all struggle with ME, ME, ME.  And we live in a culture where this pull towards ME is so strong.  It’s so easy to be distracted by the things of this world that call to us saying “I can help you get ahead by doing this or doing that.”  For me personally, it’s not much different.  I get distracted by thoughts of trying to get ahead, trying to make a name for myself, and trying to keep up with the Joneses.  The Bible talks about “seeking first the Kingdom of God” in Matthew 6.  This can be a real challenge and can be nearly impossible without the support of family and friends of faith who spur me on.  This is part of the reason I love this blogging community.  While I hope my writing will spur other on, it’s often the Stretched Community that pushes me to keep the faith.  For that, I’m grateful beyond words.

How much are you ready to stretch yourself in order to see your God-given dreams come to pass?  from Joe Abraham at joeandancy.com

Appropriately, this question is rather stretching for me.  I’m fairly certain that I’ve shared this here before – I hate change.  I like things to be the same.  I would eat the same thing for breakfast and lunch every day given the choice.  So it’s no surprise that “stretching” to achieve my God-given dreams is not always easy for me.  Honestly, there have been a few setbacks along life’s journey that have dampened some of my dreaming, but I’m relearning some of the skill related to dreaming big again.  I shared some of this in a guest post over at Expect the Exceptional a few weeks ago, and I’ve been sharing some of these thoughts especially related to my leap of faith decision to go to Guatemala.  I think I struggle most in this area in trusting God financially to provide should I decide to leave my career and pursue something else.  I’m not convinced that this is where God’s calling me, but I think it would be the biggest challenge for now.  I’m not sure this fully addresses your question, but I hope it’s a start.  Thanks!

Wow!  This was more challenging than I expected.  Thank you to everyone who answered the call to question me.  What’s your answer to one of these questions?  Or better yet, what’s the one question you’re most afraid to answer?

Multiplying Small Group Ministry

The narrative below is by no means a complete analysis of the process involved with multiplying small group ministry, but it provides some insights from personal experience.   I’ve tried to break up this analysis into various aspects that I think are important to consider when heading into small group multiplication.

Before I go into these different aspects, I thought it might be appropriate to share some history related to my small group ministry experience.  My wife and I started attending Christ’s Church of the Valley more than ten years ago.  When we first started attending, we struggled with finding real connection at the church.  Since we met in a movie theater, we never had a lot of time before or after our normal Sunday church time to establish relationships with anyone else at the church.  Realizing that this would take some effort on our part, we decided to try out a new “marriage building” workshop.  This twelve week workshop gave my wife and I a chance to meet people and begin deeper relationships with others at the church.

Out of this workshop, our first small group was started.  For the first couple of months, it was basically one other couple meeting at our house every other week.  Over time, our group grew a couple at a time.  When we started a study based on “40 Days of Purpose” by Rick Warren in January 2004, we were averaging 18 to 20 adults (along with many children) at our weekly meetings.  Heading into this study, we realized we needed to make decisions about the future of our group.  At the end of this study, we “birthed” into two groups.

After this “birthing” process, I did not imagine having to go through it again for a while.  I guess God had other plans, because in January 2005 we went through the process again when our group ballooned to 30 adults (and over 20 children).  This time we “birthed” into three groups.

Going through these times of transition was not easy at all (especially when you don’t enjoy change – like me); however, I am convinced that it was the right thing to do both times.  Hopefully, the tips below will help you in addressing this process at your own church or with your own group.

Changing the tone

When I first started talking about splitting up our small group, the reaction was mixed with a heavy leaning towards the negative.  Everyone had become very comfortable with the people who were in the group, and they did not want to split up the group.  Our adult ministries pastor recommended using different language to describe the process.  “Splitting up” sounded so negative.  This terminology implied a divorce or breakup of the group.  The term “birthing” seemed a bit funny at first, but it eventually caught on.  This terminology implies new life without the feeling of abandonment.  Once our group bought into this change, they began to look at the whole process a lot more positively.  (Multiplying might be a good word to use also.)

Communicating the positives

As our group developed, we were committed to fostering an environment where new people were always welcome.  We refer to this as the “Open Chair Policy.”  We always try to have an open chair at our meetings as a reminder to be praying about who God might be sending to our group.  A major reason for this policy is our commitment to contributing to the Great Commission (see Matthew 28:19, 20).  I’m also convinced that this was how the early church worked.  Acts 2:42-47 describes the early church and clearly shows that God was adding to their numbers daily.  I believe they had some sort of open chair policy in place.  If the early church had closed its doors to outsiders, the church today would certainly not be the same (if it even existed).  Similarly, the courage of someone sharing their faith with us was probably the driving force for our own faith.  We have the privilege and obligation to share this with others.  Helping your group to understand this is extremely important.  Yes, the small group exists to help them grow and experience fellowship, yet it is also there to help fulfill the Great Commission.

A man in our first group shared one night during our discussion about this issue, that we are telling others (non-believers who might be interested in attending our group, but won’t or can’t because our group has gotten to big) that they can “go to hell,” because we are too selfish to go through the pain of birthing our group.  His comment helped our group understand the need for this process.

The birthing process also gives current members a chance to invite friends, relatives, associates, and neighbors to their group.  When the group gets to a certain level, small group members become reluctant to bring others to the group.

Another positive about the birthing process is that it allows for deeper intimacy.  When your group is approaching 20-30 people, it becomes a real challenge to keep the deep connections going.  As a group leader, it also becomes a real challenge to shepherd a group of this size also.  Even Jesus did not have a group of this size.  His example of 12 or 13 seems much more manageable.  I would even propose that a group size of 8 to 12 is about as big as a group should get.

For our group another positive about this process related to the whole childcare issue.  Our group has made every effort to provide childcare.  As a result, our group growth as been predominately marked by families with kids.  Trying to coral a large number of kids into someone’s basement or backyard isn’t fair or safe for the kids or the sitters.  By birthing, our new groups have been able to more effectively handle the childcare issues.

Communicating these positives is essential to helping group members understand the benefits and the need for going through the “birthing” process.

 Listening to the negatives

As a small group leader and as a “people pleaser,” I am always concerned about the thoughts and feelings of those in my group.  I want them to understand and be happy with the decision to birth.  Unfortunately, group members don’t always get it right away.  Like me, they don’t like change, and they don’t understand why it is so necessary.  It’s important for small group leaders to listen to the people in the group as they wrestle through this time of transition.  We talked about it at our weekly meetings which I’ll mention later, but I also tried to call or speak to each individual in the group personally (especially the first time) to give them an opportunity to voice their opinions.  I believe this provides an essential opportunity for group members to grow into the decision to birth new groups.

Group leaders also need a coach or point person that they can lean on for support through this time.  This person not only acts as a sounding board but also as a cheerleader.  A small group leader should not feel like they are swimming through this process alone.  They need an encourager and a backup.

 Praying throughout the process

This process could never happen without prayer.  Small group leaders need to be praying for their group.  Church leadership needs to be praying for the small group leaders and for the effective growth of the small group ministry.  Each small group should also be praying for the “Open Chair” and for the future of the group as it looks towards birthing.  As our group began to discuss this topic, we tried to start and/or end each discussion with prayer.

Prayer has probably been the biggest highlight of the actual birthing process for our groups.  At our last meeting together as a whole group, we spent time commissioning the new groups through prayer.  This provided a beautiful time to thank God for his work in our group up to this point and to ask for grace and guidance for the new groups.

 Building up new leaders

Another important aspect to the birthing process is the building up of new leaders.  I recommend appointing an apprentice leader to each small group early in the life of the group.  I also believe it’s important to provide plenty of opportunities for the apprentices to have leadership in the group.  Initially, this may mean assigning the apprentice to a task or two at each meeting (i.e. Ice Breaker Leadership or Announcements).  Eventually, the apprentice should be encouraged to lead the entire meeting.  This provides an opportunity for the apprentice to become comfortable leading the group, and it also gives the group a chance to become comfortable with the apprentice.

One way we approached this was by splitting the group into two or three groups for the discussion part of the evening.  This allowed for more intimate discussion, and it gave the apprentice a valuable opportunity to lead.

Apprentices should also be included in the small group ministry support activities.  At our church, group leaders and apprentices meet quarterly along with the small group coaches/team leaders.  At these meeting, we are challenged by visions for the future, we are encouraged to huddle with others to learn from each other and to pray for each other, and we are educated with new skills that will help us effectively lead our small groups.

 Involving the group in the decision

The small group should be involved in the decision to birth.  Groups should together establish a charter that recognizes that the birthing process is inevitable and important.  As the actual birth approaches, time should be set aside at a couple of meetings so the group can talk about the process and the logistics (who is going where, etc.).  In some cases it might be beneficial for the apprentice to make some phone calls to nail down the location for their future meetings and to ask people to consider joining their new group.  Through this discussion, the group may be able to easily divide the groups based on geography or age of children.  In other cases, group members may just want the leaders to determine which new group each person should end up in.  Again, prayer through this whole process is crucial.

 Looking ahead to the future

A helpful way to get your groups through this process is to plan a reunion event of some sort (i.e. covered dish picnic).  This will be a neat opportunity to see each other again and to meet the new people who have experienced real community as a result of the birthing process.  This will also be an opportunity to celebrate and to encourage continued involvement in this process.

The first time was the toughest.  The second time was a bit easier.  As people in your church and in your small groups adjust to this process, it will hopefully become easier.  Looking ahead, I see a church full of small groups that provide true community and unbelievable outreach and growth.

Afterthought

I could probably share many other things about my journey through this process (maybe I’ll have the chance sometime), and I realize I have much more to learn.  In the meantime, I hope this brief narrative will be helpful as you approach the small group ministry birthing process.

What tips to you have to add relating to the “birthing” process?  Have you ever experienced this process?  How did it go?

The Stretched Blog Visits Frank Chiapperino

I’m guest posting today over at frankchiapperino.com.  My post is titled Stretching Back To The Basics.  I share my thoughts about the importance of a solid foundation when it comes to leadership.  Please stop by to read and comment.  Thanks!!!

Also, I’m always interested in STRETCHING myself through guest blogging opportunities.  Let me know if I can guest post over at your site.

January 2012 Top Posts and Commenters

It was a fun month for The Stretched Blog.  This month, we switched to a self hosted platform.  It has been fun to learn and experiment with the new things available at jonstolpe.com.  If you add up the traffic from the old site and the new Stretched Blog, it was far and away the best month so far.  Here is a list of the top posts on the new blog for the month of January.  It is exciting to see how many guest bloggers appeared in the top ten list this month!

January 22, 2012 Week In Review

The week in review for was pushed back a day thanks to the wonders of our winter wonderland and the need to take care of some things at home.  It was a good week on The Stretched Blog.  On Wednesday, The New Stretched Blog experienced the highest traffic day so far!  I will be traveling this week, so I’m turning the blog over to some great guest bloggers for a few days.  Please read the excellent posts by Diane Karchner, Chad Jones, and Kevin Stone and join the conversation in the comments.

Here’s a recap for this week:

• Monday – Book Review:  The Circle Maker by Mark Batterson
• Tuesday – Introducing A New Group For Parents Of Middle School Students
• Wednesday – Managing Conflict – A Leadership Stretch… Guest Post by Frank Chiapperino  (Thanks, Frank!)
• Thursday – The Stretched Blog Visits The Point (Thanks to Leah Adams for the chance to share on her blog!)
• Friday – Ice Breaker – I Have A Dream

Your continued contribution to the blog through comments is greatly appreciated.  Your comments are what makes this Stretched Community!  Please remember to take the time to Subscribe to the NEW blog, so you can have Stretched delivered daily to your e-mail inbox.  Also, don’t forget to stop by the Jon Stolpe Stretched Facebook fan page.  Become a fan to keep up with some additional Stretched stuff.  I am sharing more blog highlights from other blogs that I read regularly.  I think you’ll find some great stuff here.  Thanks!

Here are a few of my favorites from around the blog world this week:

• Vince Recommends… by Vince Antonucci at VinceAntonucci.com
• Lessons I Learned From Writing An eBook by Michael D. Perkins at The Handwritten
• Innovative Church Idea by Todd Rhoades at ToddRhoades.com

How about you?  How was your week?  If you’re a blogger what happened over your way this week?  Did you read any great blog posts this week?  Share with the rest of us!

Managing Conflict – A Leadership Stretch … Guest Post by Frank Chiapperino

Today is a big deal for me!  I get to share Frank Chiapperino with my readers.  Frank is a great friend who has my deepest respect.  Frank has a huge heart for leadership and for connecting people to each other and to God.  For several years, I served on Frank’s small group ministry team at our church in Pennsylvania.  I’ve had the privilege of hitting a few conferences with Frank, catching several breakfasts and lunches with him, and sharing leadership/social media/blogging ideas.  Frank is probably the biggest reason that I started The Stretched Blog.  Frank is now pastoring a church in Minnesota, but we still keep in touch from time to time.  You can follow Frank on Twitter or at one of his two blogs – Frank Chiapperino and techpastor.net.  Check out these sites and become one of his regular readers.

(If you’re interested in sharing your STRETCHING story as a guest blogger here, drop me a comment so we can connect.)

Managing Conflict – A Leadership Stretch

I’m so delighted that Jon asked me to guest post on his blog.  I’ve known Jon for quite a few years and valued his friendship as I served and led ministries at the church he attends in the suburbs of Philadelphia.  Currently I serve a church in Rochester, Minnesota and my role has changed.  What is stretching me now is leadership and managing conflict as our church works through change.

It kind of reminds me the challenges I navigate with my boys as a parent.  My boys are getting older and beginning to play together more and more often.  You know what that means… they fight more often too.  One time my wife Shelli made us some great french toast and we enjoyed breakfast together at the table as a family.  Shortly after, Shelli went up to shower and the boys were playing with cars and toys on their train table. They were enjoying themselves and seemed to be fine so I began reading today’s paper.

All of a sudden I hear my oldest son scream, “No AJ, NOOooooooo.”  Anthony (AJ) looked like King Kong on a path of destruction in the little town Michael had created on the train table.  Michael gave him a big shove and my youngest boy brandished his teeth like a german shepherd on the attack, going at his arm for the bite in defense. Luckily, I stepped in just in time and separated the construction engineer from the wrecking ball before any injuries occurred.  What I did next was set some ground rules for the boys. I gave them each a side on the table to play on and they each took a few toys to play with and asked them each to stay on their side. The rest of our morning was quite peaceful.

Sometimes as leaders we need to be a guiding presence and help others navigate through conflict. There are times I will have a staff member or another volunteer leader at our church call me and say, “Frank, I need help. There are some members of my team that are at each other’s throats.” For some strange reason they don’t share my joy when I say, “THAT IS GREAT!” When I manage conflict I normally start where many Christian leaders do, following Matthew chapter 18:

15″If your brother sins against you, go and show him his fault, just between the two of you. If he listens to you, you have won your brother over. 16But if he will not listen, take one or two others along, so that ‘every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.’ 17If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church; and if he refuses to listen even to the church, treat him as you would a pagan or a tax collector.

• Go to them privately and confront them on the issue
• If a private discussion doesn’t work take a witness. That means someone who has seen the behavior you are speaking to them about.
• If that doesn’t work attempt to involve church leadership to aid in resolution of the problem.
• If that fails, end the relationship.

That is pretty much what Matthew lays out, and it is sound advice that works. However, I do have a few other guiding principles I follow that aid in confrontation and conflict resolution:

• Be wise with your words. Everything you say in a confrontation will either escalate or de-escalate a conflict. Try to use words and responses that we de-escalate the tension.

• Don’t discuss nameless people. Sometimes people will say, “Someone told me…” If they refuse to use actual names of real people, don’t acknowledge it as a leader in the church. It only leads to pointless discussion because you can’t get the real person behind whatever it is involved.

• If you’re wrong, admit it right away. This is powerful in conflict resolution. Think about it for a minute. How often do you hear people actually admit they are wrong? Not often, it is a real sign of maturity and it will have an immediate affect on the situation.

What would you add to Frank’s list above when it comes to resolving conflict?

January 14, 2012 Week In Review

This has been an exciting week for The Stretched Blog!  On Thursday, we moved over to our own domain (from the WordPress domain).  Traffic on the old and new sites remained high this week, and I’m looking forward to the week ahead where I’ll be reviewing The Circle Maker by Mark Batterson, Frank Chiapperino will be visiting the blog on Wednesday, and The Stretched Blog will be visiting The Point on Thursday.

This week was truly a blessing as we made the transition to the new platform.  Monday’s post featured my first eBook review of Michael D. Perkin‘s Manifesto on Being Myself.  Tuesday, I shared some of my thoughts from Matthew 6.  On Wednesday, Brandon Gilliland stopped by to share his thoughts on discerning God’s will.  The new platform was introduced on Thursday.  And we ended the week with another fun ice breaker question about going back to the future.

Your continued contribution to the blog through comments is greatly appreciated.  Your comments are what makes this Stretched Community!  Please remember to take the time to Subscribe to the NEW blog, so you can have Stretched delivered daily to your e-mail inbox.  Also, don’t forget to stop by the Jon Stolpe Stretched Facebook fan page.  Become a fan to keep up with some additional Stretched stuff.  I am sharing more blog highlights from other blogs that I read regularly.  I think you’ll find some great stuff here.  Thanks!

Here are a few of my favorites from around the blog world this week:

• 5 Books Every Millennial Leader Should Read in 2012 by Jeremy Chandler at MillennialLeader.com
• The Remedy by Ryan Tate at The Compelling Parade
• Theology of a Teenager, Part 1 and Theology of a Teenager, Part 2 by Heather Zempel at HeatherZempel.com

How about you?  How was your week?  If you’re a blogger what happened over your way this week?  Did you read any great blog posts this week?  Share with the rest of us!