Category Archives for "church"

Managing Conflict – A Leadership Stretch … Guest Post by Frank Chiapperino

Today is a big deal for me!  I get to share Frank Chiapperino with my readers.  Frank is a great friend who has my deepest respect.  Frank has a huge heart for leadership and for connecting people to each other and to God.  For several years, I served on Frank’s small group ministry team at our church in Pennsylvania.  I’ve had the privilege of hitting a few conferences with Frank, catching several breakfasts and lunches with him, and sharing leadership/social media/blogging ideas.  Frank is probably the biggest reason that I started The Stretched Blog.  Frank is now pastoring a church in Minnesota, but we still keep in touch from time to time.  You can follow Frank on Twitter or at one of his two blogs – Frank Chiapperino and techpastor.net.  Check out these sites and become one of his regular readers.

(If you’re interested in sharing your STRETCHING story as a guest blogger here, drop me a comment so we can connect.)

Managing Conflict – A Leadership Stretch

I’m so delighted that Jon asked me to guest post on his blog.  I’ve known Jon for quite a few years and valued his friendship as I served and led ministries at the church he attends in the suburbs of Philadelphia.  Currently I serve a church in Rochester, Minnesota and my role has changed.  What is stretching me now is leadership and managing conflict as our church works through change.

It kind of reminds me the challenges I navigate with my boys as a parent.  My boys are getting older and beginning to play together more and more often.  You know what that means… they fight more often too.  One time my wife Shelli made us some great french toast and we enjoyed breakfast together at the table as a family.  Shortly after, Shelli went up to shower and the boys were playing with cars and toys on their train table. They were enjoying themselves and seemed to be fine so I began reading today’s paper.

All of a sudden I hear my oldest son scream, “No AJ, NOOooooooo.”  Anthony (AJ) looked like King Kong on a path of destruction in the little town Michael had created on the train table.  Michael gave him a big shove and my youngest boy brandished his teeth like a german shepherd on the attack, going at his arm for the bite in defense. Luckily, I stepped in just in time and separated the construction engineer from the wrecking ball before any injuries occurred.  What I did next was set some ground rules for the boys. I gave them each a side on the table to play on and they each took a few toys to play with and asked them each to stay on their side. The rest of our morning was quite peaceful.

Sometimes as leaders we need to be a guiding presence and help others navigate through conflict. There are times I will have a staff member or another volunteer leader at our church call me and say, “Frank, I need help. There are some members of my team that are at each other’s throats.” For some strange reason they don’t share my joy when I say, “THAT IS GREAT!” When I manage conflict I normally start where many Christian leaders do, following Matthew chapter 18:

15″If your brother sins against you, go and show him his fault, just between the two of you. If he listens to you, you have won your brother over. 16But if he will not listen, take one or two others along, so that ‘every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.’ 17If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church; and if he refuses to listen even to the church, treat him as you would a pagan or a tax collector.

  • Go to them privately and confront them on the issue
  • If a private discussion doesn’t work take a witness. That means someone who has seen the behavior you are speaking to them about.
  • If that doesn’t work attempt to involve church leadership to aid in resolution of the problem.
  • If that fails, end the relationship.

That is pretty much what Matthew lays out, and it is sound advice that works. However, I do have a few other guiding principles I follow that aid in confrontation and conflict resolution:

  • Be wise with your words. Everything you say in a confrontation will either escalate or de-escalate a conflict. Try to use words and responses that we de-escalate the tension.
  • Don’t discuss nameless people. Sometimes people will say, “Someone told me…” If they refuse to use actual names of real people, don’t acknowledge it as a leader in the church. It only leads to pointless discussion because you can’t get the real person behind whatever it is involved.
  • If you’re wrong, admit it right away. This is powerful in conflict resolution. Think about it for a minute. How often do you hear people actually admit they are wrong? Not often, it is a real sign of maturity and it will have an immediate affect on the situation.
I find these guiding principles useful and I hope you do too. By the way… take a look at the picture below. Can you tell which side of the table belonged to Michael and which side was AJ’s?–

What would you add to Frank’s list above when it comes to resolving conflict?

Introducing A New Group For Parents of Middle School Students

Leanne and I have been involved in many different small groups.  We’ve been involved in parents of elementary children groups, couples groups, marriage groups, men’s groups, women’s groups, Texas Hold ‘Em groups, service groups, and mixed groups.  Small groups have played a key role in each stage of our lives and our marriage.

Early last fall, we were perusing the groups catalog that our church had published for the Fall Roll-out of groups, and we realized that there weren’t any groups available for parents like us – parents with middle school students.  With two middle school students of our own, this gap was obvious as we were looking to plug into a group of people in this similar place in life.

When we reached out to our groups pastor and our middle school pastor, we soon learned that they had been praying about this area and opportunity.  We also learned that there was another couple who was also interested in establishing and leading a group for parents like us.  And so…last week, we kicked off our new group for parents of middle school students!

There were five of us there for the first meeting, but I’m confident it will grow as more parents in our area and at our church learn of this offering.  We talked about some of our parenting challenges.  We shared about our inconsistencies and imperfections.  If you live in the Perkiomen Valley/Spring-Ford Area and you’re a parent of a middle school student you should consider joining our group.  We meet twice a month – the 2nd and 4th Wednesday nights of the month.  We’re using a book called Candid Confessions of and Imperfect Parent to help our discussion.

If you’re interested in checking it out, drop me a comment, or check-out the on-line groups catalog for directions on how to connect on-line.

Are you in a small group?  What type of group is it?  What are you studying, discussing, and/or doing with your group?  If you’re not in a small group, why not?

What Every Small Group Leader Should Know

WHAT EVERY SMALL GROUP LEADER SHOULD KNOW

Do you want to become a stronger leader?

Are you involved in group life ministry?

Next month, I’ve been invited to speak at a small group leader gathering at our church.  I’ve been asked to share my top 10 list of things that every small group leader should know.  I’m excited about this opportunity.  If you haven’t figured it out, I’m extremely passionate about small groups.  I truly believe they can provide a path for connection to others and to God.  I also believe that small groups play an important role in accountability and discipleship.  So I haven’t formulated my full list, but I’ve begun to process what I will share.

1.  The small group leaders are important.  They play a big part in helping people find community, find God, and find growth.  If you are a small group leader, you need to know that what you do matters.

2.  Small group leaders set the tone.  Whether or not you consider yourself a Biblical scholar, your group members look to you as an example.  For this reason, it’s important that small group leaders continue to model growth.  They should be in the Word.  They should develop disciplines that model growth.  Small group leaders aren’t perfect, but they must find others who will hold them accountable to setting the tone.

3.  Small groups are not about small group leaders.  Small groups aren’t meant to showcase your incredible “holiness” or biblical knowledge.  Small groups aren’t meant to show off how great you are as a leader.  Small groups are about the group – about pointing people to God.

4.  Small group leaders aren’t supposed to live on an island.  Leaders must find ways to stay strong and spiritually fervent.  They must also have a support team to provide guidance when small group life gets tough – and it usually will.

5.  Small group leaders must be invitational.  Intimacy and transparency in groups can be great, but it shouldn’t be an excuse not to invite others into the group.  I’m a big proponent of the “open chair” policy in small groups.  If you’re a small group leader, set the tone.  Make sure there is always an open chair in your group for new group members and guests.  Talk about it with your group.  Don’t let it be optional.

These are just some of my initial thoughts.  I’d love to hear what you think.

What would you add to the list?  What do you think every small group leader should know?

Vacation Church – My Sunday Quebec Experience

As you may have known or guessed, our family was on vacation last week.  We took off for a week to enjoy the great outdoors and the French Canadian culture in Quebec, Canada.  We spent most of our time in and around the small ski town of Mont-Tremblant.  It was gorgeous and a wonderful break from the hustle and bustle of everyday life here in the Stolpe home.  The Sunday we were there, we visited the only church in town, L’Eglise Sacre-Coeur (Sacred Heart Church).  The church is a small Roman Catholic church that overlooks Lac Mercier.  Here are some of my thoughts from our visit:

It was very interesting to be in a French-speaking church and to be in a catholic church.  In some regards, it makes me appreciate my own church all that much more.

On the other hand, it was encouraging to see the devotion of those who regularly worship in this setting.  A few other observations:

1.  Besides the passing of the peace, we were not greeted by a single person.  Nobody said, “Bon jour.”  Nobody said, “Hello.”  Nobody said anything.  If you belong to a church, you should be friendly.  Stop and say hello to those you don’t recognize.

2.  We need to speak the language of those around us who don’t have a church home.  Putting aside the French language and the differences in doctrine, would I or anyone else understand what was going on as part of this service?  Do we expect people to come into our churches and fall in line with the routines and traditions we keep?  Do we provide an explanation of our traditions, etc.?  Are we relevant to the community around us?

3.  The priest reminded me of (my wife’s) Uncle Dave’s brother, Tom.  I know this is trivial, but it’s just what I noticed.

4.  The French language is beautiful.  I have no idea what everyone was saying or singing, but it sounded nice.

5.  People think that church ends after communion.  I shouldn’t judge as I don’t know what these people had to do this day, but I observed many people slipping out of the church as soon as communion was over.  They didn’t stay around for the closing words.  They didn’t stay around for fellowship.  They left as quickly as they arrived.  Our involvement with church isn’t meant to be a task that must be checked off the list.  It’s meant to be our life.  We’re called to be in Christian community that transcends the Sunday service.  We’re called to be involved throughout the week, and we’re called to bring it into our communities.  This doesn’t happen in a 40 minute Sunday service.  This happens every minute of every day.

6.  I’m not real great at the kneeling thing.  Perhaps, I need to practice this more.  Getting on my knees before God is a discipline of trusting God and of putting Him first.

I realize these thoughts are somewhat random, but I thought you’d enjoy hearing how I was stretched on vacation.

Where do you go to church when you’re on vacation?  What have you learned from your vacation church experiences?

Balancing Excellence and Grace

Monday night, I ventured out to a local church to enjoy the local fireworks from their lawn.  The church did a great job advertising for the event.  The parking lot was full when we arrived, and the traffic directors helped us find a parking spot quickly.  As we unloaded chairs from our cars, we were invited to enjoy free hot dogs, popcorn, and water from a table setup near the church building.  We found a place to put our chairs and blankets along with everyone else.  And we settled down in our spot as we patiently waited for the fireworks to commence.  Suddenly, we started to hear and see some amateur fireworks in the neighborhood next to the church.  Then off in the distance over the trees, we could see the tops of a professional fireworks display.  These were the fireworks we were waiting for only our view was mostly obstructed by the trees.

Honestly, I was initially disappointed.  My wife and kids were looking forward to the fireworks, and I was responsible for bringing them to a place that offered less than spectacular views of the show.  I was slightly embarrassed as many people who came to the church’s property were obviously upset.  I’m sure many of these people were unchurched, so I’m sure they weren’t left with the best impression.  I felt bad for the church who clearly had the best intentions in hosting this event.

It seems like a difficult balance – demanding excellence but allowing for grace.

I know that people like myself expect excellence, and churches have a high standard to maintain in today’s consumer driven culture.  However, I hope that people will see an opportunity for grace and realize that this church had the best intentions.  I hope that people will see a church that clearly has a gift for hospitality and a desire to connect with the community.  (And I’m sure this church learned a few valuable lessons along the way as well.)

When have your best intentions fallen short of excellence?  How have others shown you grace when you didn’t quite measure up to expectations?

2011 – New Volunteer Opportunity – Welcome Center

Over the past year, I’ve been struggling to figure out where I fit in at our church.  For a long time, I was active in grouplife leadership at our church.  Events a couple of years ago (that I really don’t want to rehash) left me somewhat scarred and feeling out in the cold related to this ministry area.  Grouplife remains a huge passion of mine, but it’s been a challenge to jump back in after a couple of years.  Some of the challenge stems from other commitments at home and at work.  Recently, family circumstances have left me hesitant to jump back in full force.  But mostly, I believe it’s been my pride that has kept me out of the game.

Leanne has been encouraging me to find an area where I can serve.  I’ve looked at the volunteer opportunities that appear in our weekly church program, but nothing really jumped out at me and said, “This is for you!”  Leanne and our kids have been serving regularly in our children’s ministry.  On these days, I often find myself hanging out in the lobby while they are serving.  Pretty lame, huh?  Well, as it turns out, there is a ministry opportunity for people who like to hang out in the lobby.  Starting next week, I’ll be serving at our Welcome Center.  It’s an opportunity to help people who have questions about our church, and it’s an opportunity to point people towards avenues that will help them get plugged into our church.

I’m excited.  I know this may not seem like a huge deal, but I believe it’s a positive step forward for the new year.

If you’re in the lobby on the 4th Sunday of the month be sure to stop by and say hello.  I’ll be the tall guy over at the Welcome Center.

(By the way, I have been so excited to see what has been happening with Grouplife at our church over the past year.)

Creating Community – The Power of Poker

A guy at our church has been “leading” a monthly Texas Hold ‘Em Poker Group connected with our church’s grouplife ministry.  For some of you, this sounds sacrilegious and not quite right – after all, doesn’t the Bible discourage gambling?   I guess I understand this viewpoint; however, I would argue that this is the type of group that Jesus would promote.  From what we read in the gospels, Jesus hung out with prostitutes, cheaters, and punks.  I’ve attended this poker group a few times, and it draws all kinds of people – people who are part of the church and people who are not part of any church.  The group’s goal (besides playing cards) is to create an entry point for people to get connected with people from our church.  From here, the hope is that they would come to our church and check out other opportunities to get connected and to grow.

Today, I was blown away when I saw one of the group’s attenders file into church a few rows in front of me with the group’s leader.  He quickly received a hand shake and hello from one of the group’s regular attenders who was sitting right in front of him.  I’ll be honest, I never expected to see this guy in our church.  I guess I shouldn’t have been so surprised.  This is the group’s goal, and it’s working.

So what do you think?  Would you consider this a valid part of your grouplife/connection ministry?  What other types of groups might serve in this same manner?

I’d love to hear your feedback!

1 2 3