Supernanny Parenting Discussion Guide – Week 2 (Respect)

Week 2 – Respect

Icebreaker Question: Tell the group about a person who you respect and describe why you respect that person.

There are many people in my life who I respect for all kinds of reasons.  I respect my parents and my wife’s parents.  I respect by boss.  I respect those in the church who are in leadership.  I respect my teachers.  I respect the political leaders throughout our country.  One person who I respect is Ray Rivera.  Ray was one of my youth leaders at the church where I grew up in New Jersey.  I looked at him as an authority figure, as a spiritual guide, and as a family friend.  Ray and his wife Joann always had time for me if I needed someone to talk with.  While I knew that he wasn’t perfect, I saw him making good decisions and leading with integrity and with a servant’s heart.

It’s wonderful that we have people in our lives like Ray Rivera – people who deserve respect not just because of their positions of authority but also because of their actions.

respect

1. admiration for a person or entity because of perceived merit
2. regard for the rights of others; tolerance

to respect

1. to have respect for.
2. to have regard for the rights of others.
3. to consent to abide by an agreement.

As defined at:  http://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/Respect

As parents, God has put you in a position that warrants respect.  One of the Ten Commandments instructs us to give honor to our parents.  As our children continue to grow, they begin to strive for respect from their parents and from others.  One thing to remember is that respect is not given, it’s earned.  Have you led your kids in a way that deserves respect?  If not, there is hope!  It’s never too late to make a change.  Also, it’s important to understand that the positive steps you take today will have an impact for the long haul.  When you positively parent your kids, you are not just impacting them.  You are making a difference for generations to come.

This week we’ll tackle the subject of respect in our families.  The Supernanny DVD clips will give us a glimpse into a family struggling with some respect issues.  The DVD will also point to the importance of respect in our homes.  Take a seat, grab your favorite movie candy, and think about Aretha Franklin as we prepare to talk about  R-E-S-P-E-C-T.

Note to leader: Show the following clips from the Supernanny Season 1 DVD: The Orm Family Episode DVD Disk 1: 1:22-5:45, 8:05-12:00, 13:15-16:26, 23:49-26:39, and 34:43-38:42.  You may choose to show all the clips at once or you may decide to stop the DVD after each clip and discuss the answer to question one or pull out key points as you go.

1.  How do the DVD clips we just viewed relate to respect?

2.  When it comes to parenting, what is respect?

3.  How do the quotes below relate to respect?

“The best thing to give to your enemy is forgiveness; to an opponent, tolerance; to a friend, your heart; to your child, a good example; to a father, deference; to your mother, conduct that will make her proud of you; to yourself, respect; to all men, charity.”  Benjamin Franklin

“I’m not concerned with your liking or disliking me… All I ask is that you respect me as a human being.”  Jackie Robinson

“Men are respectable only as they respect”  Ralph Waldo Emerson

4.  What specific things have you done at your home to encourage a respect?

We want to teach our kids to be respectful and to be deserving of respect.  Our kids look to us as examples.  Here are some questions that challenge we as parents to set the right tone.

To teach your kids about respect, ask yourself the following questions:

• Do I say “please,” “thank you” and excuse me” to my children?
• Do I allow my children to express their negative feelings?
• Do I compliment and praise my children?
• Do I show respect when disciplining my children?
• Do I use unnecessary or unkind remarks when speaking to my kids?
• Do I listen attentively to my children?
• Do I discipline my children in the presence of others?
• Do I apologize to my children when I fail?

Taken from:  http://www.christianitytoday.com/cpt/2000/002/3.30.html

5.  The Bible provides interesting insights into many areas of our lives.  How do the verses below relate to respect?

Exodus 20:12

12 “Honor your father and your mother, so that you may live long in the land the LORD your God is giving you.

Ephesians 6:1-4

1 Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. 2 “Honor your father and mother”—which is the first commandment with a promise— 3 “so that it may go well with you and that you may enjoy long life on the earth.”     4 Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord.

6.  List one or two things that you will do differently or that you will try as a result of our discussion on respect.

Take Home Activity:  Part of respect is thinking of others before we think of ourselves.  Take time as a family to read the story of Jesus washing his disciples’ feet (John 13:1-17).  Now gather your family in a circle with a basin of soapy water, a washcloth, and a towel.  Take turns washing each other’s feet.  Start by washing the person’s feet on your left.  When you’re done, have that person wash the person’s feet on their left and so on.

After everyone is finished, go around the circle and affirm each other.  In other words, take time to tell each person in the circle what you appreciate about them.  Have each person in the family talk about every other person in the circle.

Talk about how it felt to have your feet washed and to wash someone else’s feet.  Talk about how it felt to show appreciation for others and to receive appreciation from others.  Finally, ask everyone how these actions show respect for each other.  Come to next week’s group prepared to share about your foot washing and affirmation time.

Note to leader: If time and resources permit, pick up towels or bars of soap to give out to each parent or couple to use for this activity.

Next week’s topic:  TEAMWORK

Looking Ahead:  Week 4 – Establishing Appropriate Boundaries, Week 5 – Handling Sibling Differences, Week 6 – Purpose for Discipline, Week 7 – Methods of Discipline, Week 8 – Introducing Your Kids to Christ

Supernanny Parenting Discussion Group – Routine (Week 1)

As I promised in my previous post, here is the discussion guide for week 1 of our Supernanny parenting discussion group.  This week we concentrate on the importance of routine.

Week 1 – Routine

Icebreaker Question: Tell the group about a time when you got in trouble as a kid and describe the consequences of your actions.

When I was a kid, I can specifically remember riding my red bike with a black banana seat way outside of the boundaries that my parents had set for me.  My bike was notorious for eating up the pant legs of my favorite Toughskins® jeans.  Needless to say, one time when I was out-of-bounds, my pant legs jammed up in my bike chain and I couldn’t get them out.  A friendly stranger took the time to cut my pant leg out of the chain, load up my bike in her car, and drive me home.  My parents were obviously disappointed and I was in big trouble.  I was grounded for a whole week.  I wasn’t permitted to play outside with my friends or to watch television for the whole week.  As a first or second grader, it felt like I had been sent to maximum security prison.

Stories like these remind us that we were not perfect children.  We didn’t always make the right choices.  It’s helpful to remember this when we think about our own children.  They will make bad choices sometimes also.  Now that we’ve cleared that up, let’s move into our topic for tonight.

routine A course of action to be followed regularly; a standard procedure

As defined at:  http://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/routine

Families often struggle with a chaotic existence – running from activity to activity, trying to jam down a quick bite to eat, squeezing in homework, rushing to catch the bus, wrestling with work, etc.  We live this way day after day, week after week, month after month.  In this midst of this hustle and bustle, our parenting takes on a survival mentality.  Wouldn’t it be great if we could change this?

This week we’ll tackle the subject of routine in our families.  The Supernanny DVD clips will give us a glimpse into a family without a routine.  The video will also demonstrate the importance of routine in our homes.  Grab a comfortable seat, get the popcorn, and get ready for a lively discussion on routine.

Note to leader: Show the following clips from the Supernanny Season 1 DVD: The Bullard Family Episode DVD Disk 1: 1:33-3:34, 6:21-12:51, 14:00-14:37, 17:33-18:42, and 36:30-40:10.  You may choose to show all the clips at once or you may decide to stop the DVD after each clip and discuss the answer to question one or pull out key points as you go.

1.  How do the DVD clips we just viewed relate to routine?

2.  Why is a routine important?

We send mixed messages to our kids when we aren’t consistent even in our schedules.  For example, if we aren’t consistent in putting our kids to bed at the same time each night, they will probably develop problems with going to bed.  If we aren’t consistent with meal times and snack times, our kids will develop unhealthy eating patterns.  Meal times will also tend towards chaotic instead of connecting.  Establishing a routine for your family helps kids develop healthy patterns for the future.

3.  What specific things have you done at your home to encourage a family routine?

Every family will have variations to their own routines that work for them.  Here are some helpful tips as you think about routine in your own home.

To create routines that work for you and your children, keep the following points in mind:

• Have realistic expectations. Be aware of your children’s capabilities and know when you are asking too much.
• Be consistent. Follow the same routine each day so that your kids know what is expected of them.
• Set clear limits and discuss them in advance. This allows children to understand when things will occur, and gives them time to prepare themselves for what is coming next.
• Provide cues for transition times. This can be extremely helpful, since children do not tell time.
• Be flexible. Adapt your routines as your children grow and change.

Taken from:  http://www.pbs.org/parenttales/consistency.htm

4.The Bible provides interesting insights into many areas of our lives.  How do the verses below relate to this session’s topic?

Proverbs 24:30-34 (TNIV)

30 I went past the field of a sluggard, past the vineyard of someone who has no sense; 31 thorns had come up everywhere, the ground was covered with weeds, and the stone wall was in ruins.  32 I applied my heart to what I observed and learned a lesson from what I saw:  33 A little sleep, a little slumber, a little folding of the hands to rest— 34 and poverty will come on you like a thief and scarcity like an armed man.

Proverbs 25:28 (TNIV) 28 Like a city whose walls are broken through is a person who lacks self-control.

5.  List one or two things that you will do differently or that you will try as a result of our discussion on routine.

Take Home Activity:  Work together as a couple, as a family, or individually to come up with a schedule that works for you and your family.  Be as detailed as possible.  Be sure to include things like meal times, bed times, etc.  Begin to implement the schedule before next week.  Come to next week’s group prepared to share your schedule and how things are going so far.

Note to leader: If time and resources permit, pick up poster board to give out to each parent or couple.  Tell them to put there schedule on the poster board and bring it back next week.

Next week’s topic:  RESPECT

Looking Ahead:  Week 3 – Teamwork, Week 4 – Establishing Appropriate Boundaries, Week 5 – Handling Sibling Differences, Week 6 – Purpose for Discipline, Week 7 – Methods of Discipline, Week 8 – Introducing Your Kids to Christ

Supernanny – Introduction to a Dicussion Guide

A couple of year’s ago, my wife and I wrote a curriculum for a parenting discussion group based on the ABC Supernanny reality series.  The idea was to encourage parents in their challenging journey of raising a family.  Over the next week or two, I’ll try to post the discussion guides that went along with each week’s discussion.  I’d love to hear your ideas as they pertain to the topic for the week.  To get things started, I’ve attached the introduction to the curriculum, so you can get a feel for where this is headed.

Supernanny Parenting Discussion Group

A Guide for Parents Seeking to Make a Positive Difference in Their Kids

Introduction

Parenting is not easy.  And there are not any perfect parents.  Our parents were not perfect.  Their parents were not perfect.  Our kids will not be perfect parents.  And we are not perfect parents.  While it is a fact that we have all screwed up at one time or another through our past parenting, there is still hope.  We can make a change today by deciding to do parenting differently from this day forward.  This discussion guide is designed to help parents make positive changes starting today.

Concept

My wife, Leanne, and I are committed to doing our best to bring up our kids in a way the honors God and helps them to succeed in their own lives.  We came up with this idea as we realized that there are other parents out there who want to make a difference in their kids’ lives but do not know where to start.  There are also a lot of parents who feel like they are alone in this endeavor.  We as parents have plenty that we can share with each other to spur each other on.  “It takes a village” sometimes to raise our children.  The idea for community parenting is not new; however, in America, parents are reluctant to admit their need for help.

Leanne and I are also hooked on reality television.  From Survivor to Amazing Race to Extreme Makeover Home Edition to Kid Nation, we are often intrigued by the happenings on these “reality” based shows.  One of the shows that has gained a certain level of attention for parents is the ABC Supernanny series.  Each week on this show, Jo Frost, the English nanny visits the home of a family struggling to bring order to their home.  In each episode, viewers see families struggling with crazy mealtimes, sleepless bedtimes, wandering children, disrespectful outbreaks, lack of discipline, chaotic schedules, etc.  By the end of the hour, Jo has successfully brought order and discipline to these homes.

Sure this is television, but many parents in reality do not know how to deal with many of these things.  While we may not necessarily agree with the way some of the things are handled on the show, there is no doubt that Jo’s approaches can make a difference in families.  This is where the idea of a Supernanny Parenting Discussion Group comes in.  First, envision sitting around a living room or family room with other parents.  Now, imagine showing clips from the ABC show that relate to a specific parenting topic.  Next, imagine following up the video clips with a conversation about the topic.  Finally, add in some Biblical wisdom to the topic.  The results are amazing.  Each week parents walk away with a new perspective on the week’s topic along with a fun take home activity to try at home with the kids.

Topics

There are many topics that could be discussed in a parenting discussion group.  We would encourage you to consider adding a week or two to your group’s schedule to tackle more of these subjects.  This guide provides a structure for discussing the following subjects:  routine, respect, teamwork, establishing appropriate boundaries, handling sibling differences, purpose of discipline, methods for discipline, and introducing your kids to Christ.  The guide is set up to walk groups through eight weeks of conversations.

We would recommend a few things before you get started.  First, consider meeting together with your group for a get-to-know-each-other social activity before you dive into the discussion topics.  For example, plan a picnic or BBQ where families can come together and meet before they dive into the fun stuff.  This social event is a great place to discuss logistics and establish a group charter.  If you are dividing up the snack duties, this is a great time to get group members to volunteer.  Here is an example of some of the logistical things that our group considered.  You can use these or add your own.

Supernanny Sample Logistics Items/Charter

–          We will aim to start our discussions at 6:30PM.  Call us (555) 555-5555 if you’re running late or just can’t make it.

–          You’re welcome to arrive starting at 6:00PM to enjoy hanging out and to have a bite to eat.

–          We will end the discussion at 8:00PM promptly.  You’re welcome to hang around for a little while, but we’d ask that you aim to be out of here by 8:30PM, so we can put our kids to bed (and get some sleep ourselves).

–          The discussion group is for parents only.  Kids should stay with the sitters.

–          What’s said in the group stays in the group.

–          In general, we will try to stay on topic.  Having said that, we realize that sometimes the Spirit may move the conversation off topic.

–          Discussion should be appropriate.  This is not a place to bash your spouse.  This is an opportunity to begin or continue the process of working together.

–          Childcare is provided with a suggested donation of $X/family.  Please put the money in the childcare envelope on the kitchen table.

–          Parents, please run over the following ground rules/information with your kids:

o    Kids must listen to the sitters.

o    There will be some different options for the kids.  For example, outside games (while the weather permits), a VeggieTales video, ping-pong, and toys.

o    Kids are welcome to bring their own games, toys, or homework to keep them occupied during our group.

o    Lights stay on downstairs.

o    No food or drink in the basement.

o    In the basement, kids should stay out of the curtained off areas at all times.

–          If the sitters need help with your child, please find a quiet place to talk with your child so as not to disrupt the other kids or parents.

–          Please let us know if you have any ideas that will make this better for our group and for future parenting discussion groups.

–          Have fun!!!

Finally, we understand that parenting can be overwhelming at times.  We also believe that there is hope for all of us who want to honor God through our parenting.  The Bible says in Proverbs 22:6 [NIV], “Train up a child in the way he [or she] should go, and when he [she] is old, he [she] will not depart from it.”  By choosing to follow God’s model for parenting, we are impacting our kids’ future.  We are also impacting generations to follow as they will pass these things along to their kids who will pass them along to theirs.

Note to Leaders/Facilitators

Each week, there will be Supernanny DVD clips to get ready for your group (you will need the first season of Supernanny on DVD).  We would recommend that you preview these clips before your next meeting, so you’re ready to go and can help in the direction of the discussion.  Each week, you will have a few questions that will help to direct your conversation.  Feel free to add, subtract, or modify these questions to meet the needs of your group.  Each week’s topic will include a take home activity.  Try to start each week’s discussion, by reviewing how each parent/family did with their take home assignment.  The discussion guide will also include a few key teaching points for each week to help you kickoff the discussion.  Finally, we would encourage you to end your weekly meeting with a word of prayer.  This is a great opportunity to tie together the week’s conversation.  Since we weren’t sure where several of our group members were from a spiritual perspective, we also put out a prayer request box and a suggestion box.  This provided a chance to pray for those in the group who might be struggling with specific concerns.

Repost: In Your Face – Don’t Give Up Meeting Together

I’m reposting my blog post from August 15, 2010.  Outreach Magazine used a quote from this post in their Nov/Dec 2010 issue.

A few weeks ago, I found myself in quite a tough spot.  Many things around me seemed to be collapsing in on me, and I felt all alone.  This seems kind of strange for a guy who has tooted the “GroupLife horn” for so long, but it’s true.  At a time when I needed a shoulder to lean on the most, I was generally isolated from the kind of relationships which would know that life was crazy for me at that moment, which would care enough to ask me how I was really doing, which would carry me through when I just couldn’t muster the energy to continue.

That’s when a friend of mine, Adam, jumped across the “ocean” to join me on my island.  Through our conversation, he could tell I was hurting.  He simply asked, “Are you in a group right now?  Do you have someone to lean on?  Who’s got your back?”

Right in my face!  Here I was the guy who was supposed to ask people this question.  After all, I know how important it is to be in some type of small group.  I had been leading groups and leading in group ministry for years.  But…with no great excuse…when Adam asked me these questions, all I could say is, “No.  I’m not in a group right now.  I feel alone.  And I’m not sure if anyone has my back right now.”

Thankfully, Adam didn’t leave it at that.  He invited me to join him with a group of guys that meets every week.  He said I’d be more than welcome to check it out and join them.  So…I did!  That’s right.  A few Wednesday nights ago, I drove over to a local diner and met with a crazy group of guys, who made me laugh, who listened to me, who made me think.  These guys obviously don’t have it all together, but they’re trying to do their best to live life in a way that honors God.  And they realize the importance of meeting together.

That night, Adam shared a passage from Hebrews 10 about the importance of meeting together.  I’m not sure if that was meant just for me or if it was for the whole group, but it was just what I needed.  I’ll be checking out this group again, and I’m looking forward to being in community again.  Community that will spur me on.  Community that will lift me up.  And community that will take me off of my island.

Introducing A New Service Group

Yesterday, CCV introduced the leaders for the upcoming season of groups at our church.  I must say that it was very impressive to see all the leaders up on stage and to hear about the variety of group opportunities being offered for this fall.  I had the privilege of being on stage to represent an upcoming group that I’m excited to share here.  Leanne and I are co-leading a group along with our friend Sandy Edling this fall.  Here’s a description as advertised in the groups catalog:

Service Group
Leaders: Jon and Leanne Stolpe, Sandy Edling

The Service Group is designed to provide an opportunity to build
relationships and be intentional about serving others in our
community. It’s a great opportunity to serve alongside your children
(elementary school aged and older) and together experience the joy
that comes from helping others. The first Tuesday of the month, the
group will get together for a potluck dinner with a short Bible study
to prepare for the service opportunity on the third Tuesday of the
month. The service opportunities for the fall include helping at a
community house, nursing home, and food pantry.

Day
Tuesday

Time
6:30‐8:00 PM

Location
First Tuesday‐
Schwenksville
Third Tuesday‐
Service project

Frequency
First and third Tuesday
of the month

Childcare
No
MIXED

Up In The Air – Depressing, Unresolved, Unfulfilled, Why Did I See This Movie?

Last night, I took advantage of a great opportunity to have a date with my wife, my sister-in-law, and my brother-in-law.  Thanks to a broken heating system at the movie theater earlier in the day (when the girls went out to see The Princess and The Frog), we had free movie passes.  Of all the movies we could have seen, we chose Up In The Air starring George Clooney.  The movie had received four stars compared to two and a half stars for Did You Hear About The Morgans? which probably would have been my first choice – until I heard the “star ratings” for each movie.

In Up In The Air, George Clooney plays Ryan Bingham, a traveling businessman, who has the responsibility of laying off or firing employees at companies around the country.  He lives out of a carry-on suitcase, and he rarely makes it home to his undecorated one bedroom studio apartment in Omaha, Nebraska.  During his travels for work, he also speaks publicly about reducing everything in your life to what can be carried in a single backpack.  While at first this simplification sounds quite tempting, the reality is that Clooney’s character throws away not only every worldly possession but also most every relationship in order to live out his philosophy on life.  In fact is one goal in life is to earn Ten Million Frequent Flyer Miles with American Airlines.  Sad!

The movie is especially sad, because I’m guessing it actually hits closer to home for many Americans than we’d like to admit.  We live in closed communities where we hardly every see our neighbors.  Our business relationships are mostly impersonal.  And even our relationships at church and in our own families are artificial and superficial as we run from one activity to another – all so that we can say “we did it!”  Where is the intimacy?  Where is the transparency?  Where is the depth in our interactions and in our relationships?

So many of us seem to run away from deep relationships.  Perhaps it’s because we’re afraid of being exposed.  Maybe we don’t want people to know the real me.  I for one, do not want to live an unfulfilled, unresolved, depressing, “up in the air” life.  I want to go deeper.  I want to be fulfilled.  I want to be uplifted and encouraged.  I want resolution.

So where do we find it?  How do we go after this?  I think it takes initiative.  I think it takes faith.  I think it takes trust.  I think it takes getting out of your/my comfort zone.  One way that I have found this over and over again is by seeking out relationships through small groups of people.  This winter I’ll be starting up two new groups.  The first with my wife is a parenting group based on a curriculum by Kevin Leman.  The second group is an experimental on-line group that will center discussion around Mark Batterson’s new book, Primal: A Quest For The Lost Soul of Christianity.  If you are interested in one (or both) of these two groups let me know?

If you have an idea or a comment about how you find depth and fulfillment in your life and in your relationships, I’d love to hear them.

Until then, I’ll be working on living a “down to earth” life.

Group Life Conference Follow-Up Post #5

Group Life Conference Follow-Up Post #4

I’ve got one or two more take-aways that I want to share, so here’s the next one:

As Christ followers, we have a tremendous opportunity to use technology to support (start, continue, enhance, …) community!

I am more an more convinced of this all the time. Do I think technology is the end all and be all of community? Well, I hope not. But let me share my observations and thoughts.

1. My buddy Frank helped me sign-up for facebook while I was on the trip just over two weeks ago. Since then, I have reconnected technologically speaking with friends from my neighborhood growing up, my high school, my old churches, my college, my workplace, and even with people from the conference. What a neat tool.

2. We live in a “I want it now”, “Show me something cool” generation. Our churches have the opportunity to use technology to enhance their services, to help with bookkeeping, to help with logistics, to help with initial connections, to help with passing along information,…. We miss the boat if we don’t look into how these things can draw people who are far from God to Him.

3. In my opinion, technology can be the start of community that leads to face-to-face community. For example, over the past year or so, I know that there is a gentleman from our church who has been following my blog. He’s even made comments. Part of me feels like I know who this guy is. The crazy thing is that up until last week, I had never connected his name with his face. Thanks to an introduction, I now know who he is. I look forward to the conversations we will now have not just on-line but now face-to-face.

I’m sure there is so much more that I could share on this subject. Check out my notes from my previous post, and let me know what you think.

Stay tuned…

Group Life Conference Follow-Up Post #3

As promised, here’s the second take-away from the conference take from session one:

Christ must be my centerline! And community helps bring me back to THE centerline!

What do I mean? Well, it’s somewhat easy to go about life doing “good” things – raising our kids, working hard, working out, leading small group ministry, helping those in the community, etc. These things mean nothing if Christ is not the priority and focus (center) of my life. So why is this a big deal? I know for myself, I can get trapped into the “doing” part of being a follower (kind of like Martha) and I forget about the “being” – being totally immersed in God’s grace, love, power – part of being a follower (kind of like Mary). The appropriate “community” environment can provide a reminder and encouragement and support to either keep me on THE centerline or to remind me to return to THE centerline.

(I guess I especially appreciated this analogy because of my involvement in the construction industry. Most buildings are build off a centerline – a reference line physically drawn in a building which workers use to construct their electrical, plumbing, duct work, and walls. When everyone follows the centerline, the construction process goes well and everything goes in its correct place. On the other hand, when someone fails to follow the centerline, things get out of control on the construction site, and the building effort does not go smoothly.)

That’s it for now. Stay tuned for more…

Group Life Conference Follow-Up Post #2

I want to make sure I capture my primary take-aways from the conference. So here’s the first one from the pre-conference coaching forum that I attended (see previous post):

I need to be in community!

That’s it! It seems kind of basic, but here’s why I think it was so directed at me. Over the past 6-9 months, I have been doing this groups coaching thing without actually being in a group. Not only is this somewhat hypocritical, it’s sad. We were created for community. To say that our coaching meetings offer community isn’t actually correct as these meetings have really been more business type meetings planning for the upcoming season (not a bad thing, but not community). In other words, being a coach does not exclude us from entering into community.

So here I am now, trying to figure out how to get plugged back into life giving community.

How about you?

Stay tuned for more…