Jon Stolpe
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Stretching Beyond the Hurt – Guest Post by Diane Karchner

Today, I present guest blogger – Diane Karchner.  Diane is a good friend from the church I attend.  I had the honor of attending a Willow Creek Group Life Conference with Diane several years ago.  During this trip, I learned that Diane was a leader with a lot of wisdom and a lot of humor – two things I love!  Diane blogs at Tilted Words when she’s not busy serving others at work and at church and when she’s not spending time with her husband, Els.  Please stop by Diane’s blog and become a regular follower/reader.  Thanks, Diane, for sharing your stretching story!

(I’d love to hear your STRETCHING story.  Drop me a comment if you’re interested in becoming a guest blogger here.)

Stretching Beyond the Hurt

“If you can’t say something good about someone, sit right here by me.”

Saying on Needlepoint Cushion

That saying made me smile. I bet it made many smile. Because we can just picture the person patting the cushion on the sofa next to her, bidding you to come tell her tales of others. (I used ‘her’ but it could just as easily have been ‘him’!)

I was one of those people for many years. I was actually both – the one patting the cushion next to me – encouraging, imploring, hopeful with anticipation of getting some juicy tidbits – and the other one – willing to let go of confidences, of rumors, hopeful that the wisdom I was about to impart was worthy of being deemed juicy. It gave me power in some cruel, misguided, stupid way.  No matter which end of it I was on.

The gossip machine got turned on me one time. Lies told about me. I didn’t see that person who started them until months later. By that time the sting was gone. The damage repaired. So when I saw her I showed her grace; the kind God would approve. But when in the midst of the pain of it I wanted to retaliate in some way – get in her face, tell a lie about her to get back at her, tell everyone what she had done to me so they would hate her like I did right then. I really did.

Retaliation. An interesting flip side to gossip, don’t you think? Had I retaliated and lashed out, my heart would have been exactly where hers was when she started the rumors. Feeling powerful…a bit vicious…harboring a strong dislike, bordering on hatred…hurt…angry. All those motives fuel either in some way. At some level.

And to be honest, gosh, it sometimes feels pretty good. But feelings are deceiving.

In Philippians it says to think on things that are true, right, good and pure. Hmmmm. I am thinking that gossip and retaliation reflect none of that. In fact, the thoughts in our heads when we do either are pretty far from being true or right or good or pure.

We humans are a vicious bunch. So glad that God is God. So glad he became human for a few decades to show us that we can live without being so human, so vicious. That we can rise above it to feel the love of God, and be secure and rewarded each day by the grace he dumps all over and around us!

For me, right now. I try not to be a giver or receiver of gossip. I try really hard. But every day is a new one, isn’t it? And every day God renews his grace. And every day I need to renew my commitment to think on the things that bring me closer to God and away from some of my naturalness, my humanness. So glad that every day God will give me the strength and grace it takes to do just that!

How are you doing in the gossip and retaliation area?  What steps have you taken to avoid gossip and retaliation?

Resource Review: EntreLeadership Podcast

A couple of years ago, I had never heard a single podcast.  Now, I listen to several podcasts that STRETCH me on a regular basis thanks to the wonders of technology and the iPod.  In keeping with the recent trend on The Stretched Blog, I’d like to use this Monday to provide feedback on a resource.  (Last week, I reviewed The Circle Maker by Mark Batterson.   And the week before, I reviewed an eBook by Michael D. Perkins – Manifesto On Being Myself.)

Today, I’m passing along my two cents on the EntreLeadership podcast.  EntreLeadership is based on a book of the same name written by Dave Ramsey.  The EntreLeadership podcast launched on August 17, 2011 by Dave Ramsey and his team.  Since then, twelve podcasts have been published (twice every month) that have highlighted different aspects of leadership.

The podcasts vary in length between 35 and 50 minutes.  Each podcast which is hosted by Chris LoCurto typically starts with an excerpt from a Dave Ramsey speech followed by interviews from various leaders.  These leaders have included Jim Collins, Dan Miller, Tony Dungy, Tim Sanders, Dan Cathy, Simon Sinek, and others.  Each podcast is focused on a leadership topic.  The topics have included servant leadership, recognition, mission, accountability, unity, and decision-making.

I typically listen to the podcasts while I’m running or driving.  Occasionally, I’ve had to pull the car over to jot down a key point or note from what I’ve just heard.  The podcasts are filled with wisdom for leaders.  Whether you are starting your own business, leading in your company, leading in your church, or leading in any type of organization, I would recommend checking out the EntreLeadership podcast.  The podcast provides information that will inspire you and encourage you to step out and be the best leader you can be.

Do you listen to the EntreLeadership podcast?  If so, what is one of your biggest take aways from what you’ve heard?  What other podcasts do you recommend and listen to regularly?

January 22, 2012 Week In Review

The week in review for was pushed back a day thanks to the wonders of our winter wonderland and the need to take care of some things at home.  It was a good week on The Stretched Blog.  On Wednesday, The New Stretched Blog experienced the highest traffic day so far!  I will be traveling this week, so I’m turning the blog over to some great guest bloggers for a few days.  Please read the excellent posts by Diane Karchner, Chad Jones, and Kevin Stone and join the conversation in the comments.

Here’s a recap for this week:

Your continued contribution to the blog through comments is greatly appreciated.  Your comments are what makes this Stretched Community!  Please remember to take the time to Subscribe to the NEW blog, so you can have Stretched delivered daily to your e-mail inbox.  Also, don’t forget to stop by the Jon Stolpe Stretched Facebook fan page.  Become a fan to keep up with some additional Stretched stuff.  I am sharing more blog highlights from other blogs that I read regularly.  I think you’ll find some great stuff here.  Thanks!

Here are a few of my favorites from around the blog world this week:

How about you?  How was your week?  If you’re a blogger what happened over your way this week?  Did you read any great blog posts this week?  Share with the rest of us!

Ice Breaker – I Have A Dream

It’s that time of the week again…time for an ice breaker question!  This week we celebrated Martin Luther King Jr. Day.  We’ve all heard his famous “I Have A Dream” speech where King dreams out loud about a day when black men and white men will live together in harmony.  In keeping with this theme, today’s question deals with dreams.  For those of you who are new or who forgot, ice breaker questions are used to help people get to know each other – to “break the ice” so to speak.  I love hearing what other people have to say and how they think.  So for today, I’m excited to throw out another simple ice breaker question.  I’ll answer it first, then it’s your turn.  Answer the question by leaving a comment for us all to enjoy.  Thanks!

Question:  What’s your dream?  (You can take this in many different directions!)

My Answer:  Here you go….

As a child and teenager, I had many dreams.  I dreamed of writing plays and becoming an actor.  I dreamed of becoming a firefighter, a pharmacist, and a baseball player.  I dreamed of building a new Mt. Holly, NJ (my hometown growing up) where people got along and things worked more efficiently.  I dreamed of building my own house.  I dreamed of marrying a wonderful Christian woman.  Some of my dreams came true (like marrying a wonderful Christian woman), and many of my dreams never came to fruition.  As I’ve grown and my responsibilities have increased through marriage, parenting, and work, I honestly haven’t dreamed as much.  This question is definitely STRETCHING for me.

Last Sunday, I shared that I’ve been thinking about doing something bigger with my blog.  I truly believe that God can use The Stretched Blog for a much greater purpose.  I’m not sure exactly what that is yet, but I dream that The Stretched Blog and The Stretched Community would be able to build something that outlives us and that ultimately brings glory to God.  When this dream becomes clear, you can be sure that I’ll share it here.

So there you have it, my answer to the question.  Now it’s your turn….I can’t wait to hear what you’ve got to say!

Don’t forget to sign-up for the NEW Stretched Community.  Subscribe to the blog today!

Managing Conflict – A Leadership Stretch … Guest Post by Frank Chiapperino

Today is a big deal for me!  I get to share Frank Chiapperino with my readers.  Frank is a great friend who has my deepest respect.  Frank has a huge heart for leadership and for connecting people to each other and to God.  For several years, I served on Frank’s small group ministry team at our church in Pennsylvania.  I’ve had the privilege of hitting a few conferences with Frank, catching several breakfasts and lunches with him, and sharing leadership/social media/blogging ideas.  Frank is probably the biggest reason that I started The Stretched Blog.  Frank is now pastoring a church in Minnesota, but we still keep in touch from time to time.  You can follow Frank on Twitter or at one of his two blogs – Frank Chiapperino and techpastor.net.  Check out these sites and become one of his regular readers.

(If you’re interested in sharing your STRETCHING story as a guest blogger here, drop me a comment so we can connect.)

Managing Conflict – A Leadership Stretch

I’m so delighted that Jon asked me to guest post on his blog.  I’ve known Jon for quite a few years and valued his friendship as I served and led ministries at the church he attends in the suburbs of Philadelphia.  Currently I serve a church in Rochester, Minnesota and my role has changed.  What is stretching me now is leadership and managing conflict as our church works through change.

It kind of reminds me the challenges I navigate with my boys as a parent.  My boys are getting older and beginning to play together more and more often.  You know what that means… they fight more often too.  One time my wife Shelli made us some great french toast and we enjoyed breakfast together at the table as a family.  Shortly after, Shelli went up to shower and the boys were playing with cars and toys on their train table. They were enjoying themselves and seemed to be fine so I began reading today’s paper.

All of a sudden I hear my oldest son scream, “No AJ, NOOooooooo.”  Anthony (AJ) looked like King Kong on a path of destruction in the little town Michael had created on the train table.  Michael gave him a big shove and my youngest boy brandished his teeth like a german shepherd on the attack, going at his arm for the bite in defense. Luckily, I stepped in just in time and separated the construction engineer from the wrecking ball before any injuries occurred.  What I did next was set some ground rules for the boys. I gave them each a side on the table to play on and they each took a few toys to play with and asked them each to stay on their side. The rest of our morning was quite peaceful.

Sometimes as leaders we need to be a guiding presence and help others navigate through conflict. There are times I will have a staff member or another volunteer leader at our church call me and say, “Frank, I need help. There are some members of my team that are at each other’s throats.” For some strange reason they don’t share my joy when I say, “THAT IS GREAT!” When I manage conflict I normally start where many Christian leaders do, following Matthew chapter 18:

15″If your brother sins against you, go and show him his fault, just between the two of you. If he listens to you, you have won your brother over. 16But if he will not listen, take one or two others along, so that ‘every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.’ 17If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church; and if he refuses to listen even to the church, treat him as you would a pagan or a tax collector.

  • Go to them privately and confront them on the issue
  • If a private discussion doesn’t work take a witness. That means someone who has seen the behavior you are speaking to them about.
  • If that doesn’t work attempt to involve church leadership to aid in resolution of the problem.
  • If that fails, end the relationship.

That is pretty much what Matthew lays out, and it is sound advice that works. However, I do have a few other guiding principles I follow that aid in confrontation and conflict resolution:

  • Be wise with your words. Everything you say in a confrontation will either escalate or de-escalate a conflict. Try to use words and responses that we de-escalate the tension.
  • Don’t discuss nameless people. Sometimes people will say, “Someone told me…” If they refuse to use actual names of real people, don’t acknowledge it as a leader in the church. It only leads to pointless discussion because you can’t get the real person behind whatever it is involved.
  • If you’re wrong, admit it right away. This is powerful in conflict resolution. Think about it for a minute. How often do you hear people actually admit they are wrong? Not often, it is a real sign of maturity and it will have an immediate affect on the situation.
I find these guiding principles useful and I hope you do too. By the way… take a look at the picture below. Can you tell which side of the table belonged to Michael and which side was AJ’s?–

What would you add to Frank’s list above when it comes to resolving conflict?

Introducing A New Group For Parents of Middle School Students

Leanne and I have been involved in many different small groups.  We’ve been involved in parents of elementary children groups, couples groups, marriage groups, men’s groups, women’s groups, Texas Hold ‘Em groups, service groups, and mixed groups.  Small groups have played a key role in each stage of our lives and our marriage.

Early last fall, we were perusing the groups catalog that our church had published for the Fall Roll-out of groups, and we realized that there weren’t any groups available for parents like us – parents with middle school students.  With two middle school students of our own, this gap was obvious as we were looking to plug into a group of people in this similar place in life.

When we reached out to our groups pastor and our middle school pastor, we soon learned that they had been praying about this area and opportunity.  We also learned that there was another couple who was also interested in establishing and leading a group for parents like us.  And so…last week, we kicked off our new group for parents of middle school students!

There were five of us there for the first meeting, but I’m confident it will grow as more parents in our area and at our church learn of this offering.  We talked about some of our parenting challenges.  We shared about our inconsistencies and imperfections.  If you live in the Perkiomen Valley/Spring-Ford Area and you’re a parent of a middle school student you should consider joining our group.  We meet twice a month – the 2nd and 4th Wednesday nights of the month.  We’re using a book called Candid Confessions of and Imperfect Parent to help our discussion.

If you’re interested in checking it out, drop me a comment, or check-out the on-line groups catalog for directions on how to connect on-line.

Are you in a small group?  What type of group is it?  What are you studying, discussing, and/or doing with your group?  If you’re not in a small group, why not?

Book Review: The Circle Maker by Mark Batterson

Last month, I shared that leaders are readers.  One of my goals for 2012 is to read more – at least one book per month.  This may not sound like a lot to many of you book worms out there, but I’m a slow, deliberate reader so this goal will be a challenge for me.

The first book I finished this year is The Circle Maker by Mark Batterson.  The Circle Maker is a book about prayer based on a Jewish man named Honi who lived during first century BC.  He was known for drawing circles in the ground where he would stand praying until he received an answer.  Batterson discovered Honi while reading a book about legends from this history of the Jewish people, and Honi’s story inspired Batterson to pray more deliberately and with more conviction.

In The Circle Maker, Batterson relates the story of National Community Church (the church he started in Washington, DC) and the story of Honi to inspire readers to dream big, pray hard, think long, and to keep circling.  He also shares personal stories of how he has seen the power of prayer in his own life.

When I started reading The Circle Maker, I quickly decided to use a blue pen to take notes in the margin and to underline key sentences and points in the book.  I highlighted many things that spoke to me, and I wrote in the margins questions and comments that came to mind as I read through the book.  I was inspired and motivated to pray bigger prayers.  I was challenged to be much more specific in my prayers.  And I was encouraged to keep praying even when the answer doesn’t come right away.

This is the perfect book to read for starting the new year.  Here are a few ways that The Circle Maker stretched me:

1.  I decided to start actively keeping a journal of my prayers.  Through Batterson’s encouragement, a prayer journal will help me keep a closer record of my prayers so I can stay in tune with how God answers my prayers.

2.  I decided to be more deliberate in praying circles around my wife, my kids, my church, my town, my extended family, and my job.

3.  I decided to be more intentional in dreaming big.  I am working on my Life Goal List (or Bucket List).  I’ll post this at some point, and I’m asking The Stretched Community to hold me accountable to this.

So how can you be stretched by The Circle Maker?  Pick up a copy of it for yourself.  I’m actually going to give away a copy of The Circle Maker to the top commenter this month.  You could also head over to Mark Batterson’s blog and join in the 21 Days of Prayer.  I think they’re on Day Six, but it’s not too late for you to get plugged in on this challenge.  Finally, I’d recommend starting a prayer journal for yourself.  Start today dreaming big, praying hard, and thinking long.

How’s your prayer life?  How have you seen your big prayers answered?  What or who are you circling with prayer?

Why Did I Change To My Own Domain?

This week I changed from a WordPress domain to a self-hosted domain.  It was a big step.  And it still is a big step as I figure this whole thing out.  So why did I change domains?  That’s a great question, and I’m honestly still working through the answers to that question.  Here’s my answer so far:

1.  Having my own domain gives me an opportunity to try new things and add new things to my blog.  I like to play with the different widgets and gadgets.  The WordPress domain was limited in what I could add and tweak on my blog.  The new self hosted domain gives me more flexibility.

2.  Doesn’t jonstolpe.com sound better than jonstolpe.wordpress.com?  Maybe this is an ego thing, but it’s one of the answers to the question.

3.  I’ve heard that there is an opportunity to make money on my blog by switching to a self hosted domain.  This  brings me to answer number four.

4.  I want to do something great with my blog.  I’ve been wrestling this week with the financial impact of self hosting my blog.  Yes, there’s an initial upfront cost to getting this off the ground, and there will be a small fee associated with keeping it going, but I’m hoping that The Stretched Blog will start to make a little money.  So the question is what happens to this money.  I haven’t figured this all out yet, but my general answer is that I’d like to give it away to do something bigger – something that STRETCHES me.

Today at my church, I received some confirmation that this was the right direction.  Our pastor showed a video about the power of blogging and the power of doing something way bigger than ourselves.  Check out the video and let me know what you think.


Do you self host your blog?  Do you make any money through blogging?  If so, what do you do with it?  Finally, would you be game to do something big together through The Stretched Community?

January 14, 2012 Week In Review

This has been an exciting week for The Stretched Blog!  On Thursday, we moved over to our own domain (from the WordPress domain).  Traffic on the old and new sites remained high this week, and I’m looking forward to the week ahead where I’ll be reviewing The Circle Maker by Mark Batterson, Frank Chiapperino will be visiting the blog on Wednesday, and The Stretched Blog will be visiting The Point on Thursday.

This week was truly a blessing as we made the transition to the new platform.  Monday’s post featured my first eBook review of Michael D. Perkin‘s Manifesto on Being Myself.  Tuesday, I shared some of my thoughts from Matthew 6.  On Wednesday, Brandon Gilliland stopped by to share his thoughts on discerning God’s will.  The new platform was introduced on Thursday.  And we ended the week with another fun ice breaker question about going back to the future.

Your continued contribution to the blog through comments is greatly appreciated.  Your comments are what makes this Stretched Community!  Please remember to take the time to Subscribe to the NEW blog, so you can have Stretched delivered daily to your e-mail inbox.  Also, don’t forget to stop by the Jon Stolpe Stretched Facebook fan page.  Become a fan to keep up with some additional Stretched stuff.  I am sharing more blog highlights from other blogs that I read regularly.  I think you’ll find some great stuff here.  Thanks!

Here are a few of my favorites from around the blog world this week:

How about you?  How was your week?  If you’re a blogger what happened over your way this week?  Did you read any great blog posts this week?  Share with the rest of us!

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